Parenting in a Pandemic: A Guide

The Art and Science Of
Written By Emily Edlynn

Coronavirus Mom Diaries

On Day 1 of our Coronavirus lockdown, my 5-year-old repeatedly anointed me the “meanest mom” and my primary goal was to wait until a decent hour to pour myself a cocktail. Emotions flying everywhere. The children of mine who struggle with flexibility especially thrown off; my social butterfly in tears about not seeing friends; and me attempting to remain their calm in the storm, even as I could feel the anxiety rise in me like a tsunami wave.

I tend towards anti-hysteria and am far from an alarmist, but this has gotten serious. My way of coping has been to keep track of what the public health experts are saying, and tune out the rest of the noise. To be honest, writing this for anyone who finds it helpful, is also a way of coping. I want to feel like I am doing something for my community in a time of feeling quite helpless. I will admit I am a huge routine-follower, and this complete upheaval of almost every aspect of our daily way of life, is pushing some of my hottest buttons. While extra time with my children means they are too. Lots of buttons. Pushed hard.

I can’t help but drift off into daydreams of a childless pandemic . . . binge-watching shows, listening to podcasts I never have time for, reading through my stack of novels . . . but, alas. I am parenting during a pandemic, and if you are reading this, you probably are too.

I have been scouring the internet for how to parent in this most surreal of times. How do we work remotely while our children are e-learning, which will no means be without some adult supervision? How do we make decisions about how to balance social distancing with staying socially connected? How do we get through a pandemic while parenting?

“I’m not talking Pollyanna, unrealistic optimism; I mean finding sincere, believable “silver linings” that help us keep perspective instead of getting swallowed up in anxious thoughts about the apocalypse.”

Ways to Cope: Science-based Strategies

While feeling the immense fragility of my human-ness right now, I do have some expertise that comes in handy in this strange moment: coping strategies that help in times of high stress (based on lots of research), and how to help our children when they are facing overwhelming stress.

Stay connected

As innately social beings, losing our daily social interactions (with NON-family) will perhaps be the most psychologically affecting. Working to buffer this loss may take some creativity, as I am a staunch supporter of social distancing (see article below), but it’s a time to celebrate the gifts of smart phones and social media. When a mom friend texted me after Day 2 just to “check in,” it meant a lot to commiserate for a few minutes, without risking contagion. We are going to figure out FaceTime dates for the kids to see and talk to their friends. I mean it’s kind of amazing we are all going through this strange, unprecedented experience in such a universal way. Let’s share it – without touching each other. Social support and feeling a sense of belonging are well-known to be key protective factors against negative effects of high stress, so it’s worth figuring out.

Keep (SOME) structure

I can almost feel you rolling your eyes, but I have to say it: I cannot overstate the importance of maintaining a daily routine for children. Especially when the type of stress threatens well-being and safety, this way of preserving normalcy and structure helps children feel safe. Our family is planning to review a daily schedule each evening, and have this schedule posted so everyone knows what’s coming next. This simple act provides our children the gift of predictability in unpredictable times. It’s secondary how much the schedule is actually followed, because let’s admit that’s not going to be even close to 100%, but it’s still better than not having one. At the very least, everyone gets dressed every day!

Look for fun

I have seen the aspirational memes about how this is the perfect opportunity to take on family projects and learn and grow together. I don’t know about your children, but my children pretty much never go along with these visions of grand harmony. I accept there will be chaos, including meltdowns, bickering, and everyone getting sick of each other, but this is exactly why finding some fun will help. If your schedule includes something to look forward to, I promise it will make a difference. It doesn’t have to be anything grand, but something small like making green pancakes because we didn’t have to rush out the door on a Sunday morning, offsets the other difficult moments. Even the briefest moments of joy matter.

Express gratitude

It’s science: feeling grateful connects us to positive emotions in a way that contributes to overall well-being and managing stress better. I informed my husband we would be doing this as a family during this challenging period, no matter how cheesy he thinks it is (and he does). On our Day 1 of lockdown, I was on my own with the kids for 10 hours and it involved a lot of outbursts and meltdowns (re: earning my title “meanest mom”), but I found myself grateful for the relatively nice weather so they could play outside (Reminder: we brave Chicago winters). At dinner on Day 5, the kids listed numerous moments and things they were grateful for (like pita bread) and I have hope they are catching the gratitude spirit.

Positive thinking

Also very science-based: if we can work on how we think about a stressful situation, it helps us respond better overall. I’m not talking Pollyanna, unrealistic optimism; I mean finding sincere, believable “silver linings” that help us keep perspective instead of getting swallowed up in anxious thoughts about the apocalypse. My main mantra right now is that no matter how eternal this feels, it won’t last forever. I still have my waves of panic about how much worse this could get, but every thought to focus on any positive aspect (“it’s nice not to rush out the door every morning”) helps. If we model this, our kids learn to do it too.

Self-care snippets

A major challenge in this new normal that may stretch on for way longer than we expect is that I rely on alone time to fuel up for all the other time I am Mom and Wife and Therapist. I will now not have that alone time. No one will have alone time! So be opportunistic about snatching snippets of time to do what you want – 10 minutes to read a few pages of a novel, banning the children to another floor while folding laundry and watching some trashy TV, or even instituting an alone time protocol where everyone goes to a different space in the house. It may take creativity and some extra effort, but it’s our oxygen mask and therefore indispensable.

Let it all go

When you have your inevitable breakdown, just go with it. Don’t try to positive think or gratitude your way through it — just feel the feelings and give yourself grace for surrendering the schedule an hour in because it’s all going haywire. It’s okay. All those coping skills above take energy and effort and sometimes we are too beaten down and tired. When you can lean into losing it, do what you need to do in that moment so it’s easier to put that Mom or Dad hat back on when you need to later.

Pandemic Behavior in Kids: What to Expect

There’s no way to completely shield our children from the fear, anxiety, and uncertainty currently surrounding our whole way of living. Just know that it’s normal to notice some behavior changes in your children, especially if they are already prone to anxiety or difficulty with change. This could include extra clinging (even though they are around us even more than usual), an uptick in bad dreams or problems sleeping, oppositional behaviors rooted in anxiety, and extra meltdowns. If there’s any different behavior, go ahead and chalk it up to Pandemic. Tears are coming more quickly across the board. Moods are swinging everywhere . . . including ours.

When I view the behavior changes through the lens of feeling anxious and insecure, it helps me respond better. For example, one of my children became more isolated for a couple days – suddenly wanting nothing more than to read in her room. Instead of pushing my child to join the family, I realize being alone is her way of processing what’s happening, and being in her room feels safe. In fact, she let it slip that she has also been writing about the Coronavirus during this alone time. When my youngest rages over something completely insignificant, like the amount of cereal in his bowl, I feel his un-articulated anger and confusion about not going to school, and I hug him hard to give him comfort and reassurance.

For those of us whose children are accustomed to attending school daily and are now homebound with us as poor substitutes for their teachers and friends, it’s an enormous change in their world. We can support them by focusing on all the ways they are safe and what is still the same – like us being there. If there were ever a time that the nuclear family unit can shine, this is it. And I promise it still shines through all the upheaval and chaos, fear and anxiety; the greatest antidote you can give your children is what’s already there: your family.

The Universal Experience

As I write this on Day 5 of our lockdown, and Day 2 of e-learning / remote working, I know deep in my gut this is going to get harder. The daily — sometimes hourly — news updates build up a sensation of impending doom. Trust me, I have had my moments of feeling like this is downright impossible.

We don’t know exactly what lies ahead, but through it all, we are going through this together. It creates new opportunities to feel united in our universal experience, as parents and humans coexisting in a world crisis. And it will not last forever, no matter how much it feels that way. We can hope that when it’s all over, we have stuck together in ways that will make our futures even better, for us and our children.

Resources

Coping:

Imaginaction, Stanford, (Videos designed for children to teach self-regulation – very cool!!)

The Emotional Life of a Pandemic: Anxiety, Grief, Rinse, and Repeat

Meditation/Mindfulness

Kids and Parenting in Coronavirus:

Social Distancing: This Is Not a Snow Day, Medium

Coronavirus Tag? The Pandemic Has Become Part of Kids’ Playtime, HuffPost

How To Talk To Kids About Coronavirus, Parents

Just for Kids: A Comic Exploring the New Coronavirus, NPR

DIY Homeschooling:

Free Homeschooling Resources, At Home With Karen

List of Education Companies Offering Free Subscriptions Due to School Closings, Kidsactivitiesblog.com

Best Documentaries for Elementary Age Kids, Common Sense Media

Over 30 Virtual Field Trips

150+ Enrichment Activities for Children While Parents are Working Remotely

Science Activities: 40 websites with videos, experiments and more

Scholastic Learn at Home has daily projects to keep kids reading, thinking, and growing. Every day includes four separate learning experiences, each built around a story or video. Kids can do them on their own, with their families, or with their teachers. For kids from preschool through grade 9. (From Oak Park Public Library)

Fluency & Fitness helps students in grades K-2 review essential reading and math topics, while providing a movement break. It’s now offering 21 days of free unlimited access.

Fun Entertainment/Movement

Emily Edlynn
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