Children and Teens Under Pressure: Academic Achievement

Mar 4

How to redefine Success and raise happier kids

There’s good reason most of us feel compelled to make sure our children earn good grades. Decades of research supports the benefits, and plain common-sense dictates that better grades open doors of opportunity at each fork in the pathway to success. But rates of depression and anxiety are INCREASING in our teens for the first time in decades, and the CDC recently identified students at “high-achieving” schools as an at-risk group on par with groups experiencing poverty, trauma, and discrimination. So, what do we know and what do we do to protect yet promote our children to find “success?”

When my oldest child started Kindergarten and she had her very first assessment, I had my very first breakdown about my children’s academic futures. My daughter did just fine (and she was FIVE), but my history of performing in the highest percentiles and always feeling the pressure to keep doing so, flooded back in a flurry of anxiety about my children succeeding academically.

I have discovered I’m not alone. It is probably not coincidental that I have found myself surrounded by Mom friends with similar backgrounds, styles, expectations, and anxieties. As a psychologist, I am well-versed in the limitations of standardized test scores and the millions of reasons to not overly focus on them. Yet, I can’t help but hope for high percentiles in each of the testing periods, just to make sure my kids are “okay.”

“Are we praising our children for how many hours they spend studying, even as it comes at the expense of sleep, family time, and plain relaxation? What subtle messages are we sending about the value of academics and grades above all else?”

In this never-ending school of parenting where the personal growth and learning just keep going, I actively work on ensuring my worry does not infiltrate my children. This has meant biting my tongue A LOT, and very intentionally downplaying the focus on grades and scores in these elementary years, even as I churn on the inside with fear I may be somehow missing a window for my children to maximize their academic potential.

It’s much easier to see the risks of overly focusing on academics in other people’s children when I am their therapist and not their mother. Middle-schoolers not sleeping because they have swim practice until 8 pm, and hours of homework to fit in before and after. High-schoolers with debilitating headaches, 10-hour-a-day schedules filled with Honors classes, Debate team demands, and clear expectations they WILL earn all A’s.

Guess what? I see shadows of these same middle-schoolers and high-schoolers completely burned out by the time they get to college. It’s so clear from the vantage point of psychologist, that it keeps my high-achieving Mom impulses in check.

Benefits of Academic Achievement

How did we get here? Obviously, that’s complicated, but here’s a starting point. Research supports common sense: students with better grades in high school are more likely to go to college, which then relates to higher income level and more overall resources and advantages in adulthood. The opposite is also true: worse academic performance in high school is linked to all kinds of negative outcomes, like dropping out of high school, more legal problems, substance abuse, and lower employment.

Taking a step back, though, these are very broad strokes. This type of research makes conclusions about large populations and general trends based on averages that do not represent individuals. This way of evaluating academic achievement is inextricably linked with community, economic, and systemic factors that also heavily influence outcomes. I will not pretend to be an expert in this area, but I know enough to know it’s not only complex, but far removed from our individual parenting bubbles.

Risks of High-Achievement Culture

I have worked in several affluent areas of the country, where resources and opportunity abound for youth, AND the suicide rates are alarmingly high. The risks of this “high-achievement culture” are clear – a child’s sense of self-worth and value rely on test scores, GPA, class rankings, and ultimately, their college destination. When a teen falters and faces failure in these areas, they feel worthless and overwhelmed, which can lead to a hopeless outlook and the belief their life is no longer worth living.

Recent research has found that teens at “high-achieving” schools have 2-3 times the national average of anxiety, depression, substance abuse, and delinquent behaviors. These schools are typically in affluent areas where expectations for excellence surround them. Just as an example, extra-curriculars have reached new heights of intensity and pressure, rather than providing a good balance to academics as physical or creative outlets for stress.

Many of us may reassure ourselves that we are by no means pressuring our children that Ivy League is the only future, or expecting our 8-year-old’s athleticism to signal a future scholarship. I would argue, however, that the risk for anxiety and depression that may not escalate to feeling suicidal, is still insidious and prevalent in messages we may not realize we are sending.

Are we pressuring our children to be in advanced classes that may not actually be a good fit? Are we showing dissatisfaction with what WE consider “less-than” (like not getting all As, or even all As and Bs)? Are we praising our children for how many hours they spend studying, even as it comes at the expense of sleep, family time, and plain relaxation? What subtle messages are we sending about the value of academics and grades above all else?

What We Can Do As Parents

Recent research has tackled these topics, and fortunately, some practical and specific strategies can help us all stay focused on what really matters: our child’s sense of well-being and success as a human being rather than whether they are Harvard-bound.

Effort Over Outcome

Have you heard of “growth mindset,” a concept coined by psychologist, Carol Dweck? The nutshell version: focus on effort and process over outcome, and avoid labeling children in a way that becomes their identity.

So, saying “you’re so smart!” over and over sets up a child to think they have to always perform well to stay “so smart.” This results in giving up on challenges for fear of failure, which ultimately interferes with learning and growth.

Instead, praise the effort, “you worked so hard at finishing that math sheet – I love how you didn’t give up!” Approaching children like this gives them more confidence to take risks and if they fail, they are more likely to keep trying and stay confident, and not define their worth by their performance.

Character First

A peer-reviewed study from 2017 found that adolescents who believed both parents valued character traits (kindness, respect, helpfulness) at least equal to, if not greater than, academic achievement, not only reported feeling happier, but actually had better school outcomes. One key part of results — they represent what teens believed their parents valued, not what parents identified as their values, which suggests we need to be explicit.

This is by no means a recommendation to ignore grades and academics, but to at least make sure we widen our focus. Although my family is still in elementary years, I make an effort at each report card period or after each parent-teacher conference to emphasize how proud I am of teachers’ comments about helpful and respectful behaviors in class, more than their letter grades or standardized test scores. We need to find these opportunities to deliberately highlight how much we care about these behaviors and traits.

Focus on Individual Strengths

Not every child is a good fit for traditional school, and our culture is very bad at valuing other types of success. For these children especially, overly focusing on grades can damage confidence and self-esteem in a way that has a lifelong impact. Instead, if you are open to seeing non-traditional strengths and pathways, the more likely your child feels successful with non-traditional versions of success, and will be happier and more well-adjusted overall.

This connects to the next major recommendation — to ensure our children are finding and connecting to what brings them joy. For some children and teens, school can be a miserable experience because it is such a poor fit with their skills and abilities. If your child shows a particular non-academic aptitude, it can be key to their overall well-being to devote time and energy to developing it. This builds their confidence and happiness in a way that offsets the difficulties of drudging through school days.

Wellness Is Well-Rounded

We all need to work on promoting the idea of living a well-rounded life — NOT for the sake of college applications, but for the sake of staying connected to joy and personal passions. (Parents may be pretty terrible role models for this, so we likely need to examine ourselves first so we can better promote it for our children.)

Ideally, our children would have time every week to be absorbed in what they truly love. In fact, absorption is a meditative state that is quite good for our brains. Whether it’s shooting a basketball for hours before dinner, building a Lego set from start to finish, or drawing in a sketchbook, making sure our children have time for these kinds of activities helps them not only feel calmer, but also connected to joy.

Happiness research also supports the importance of connection with others. Make sure to ask about social parts of their days – which friends they spent time with, what was the most fun, what they are looking forward to, etc. In fact, plenty of evidence suggests that social skills are a stronger predictor of professional success than grades or academic performance. Allowing our children the time and energy to engage in socially meaningful relationships may set them up for a much healthier version of success than straight A’s and trophies. 

What Is Success?

The other night at dinner, we marveled over my 5-year-old’s recent drawing, and each of my children announced they want to be an artist someday. Their father said he hopes at least one of them becomes a professional artist, a path he himself regrets not taking as he aimed his sights on the more traditional route to professional “success.”

I hope at least one success of our parenting is that our children feel successful in their lives, no matter where their percentiles fell or how well I kept my high-achieving Mom anxieties in check.