Gratitude: Science and Strategies

Nov 24

Why We Need It Now More than Ever

It’s Thanksgiving. 2020. Possibly no more challenging a time in the history of our memories to carve out thanks as we debate even whether to carve a turkey or do take-out while we hunker down for a holiday in isolation. The daily, nay hourly, headlines about the skyrocketing numbers of COVID cases and top secret huge indoor gatherings made public after the fact, leave me feeling powerless and frustrated.

“I wonder if when we really think about it, we realize this whole COVID experience has made us experience gratitude in new ways. ”

This year, our brains, which unfortunately work like magnets for the negative input (fear, worries, the one bad interaction in an otherwise good day) are likely heavily focusing on dire and doom. “Winter Is Coming” has never felt so viscerally full of dread. As a San Diego transplant in Chicago, the winters already feel long, cold, and dark. Add the certainty of a much-altered daily life (including nonstop togetherness with my husband and three children) as we lose the relief of outdoor socializing and I wish I could adopt the life of a bear and go to sleep until Spring.

Exactly all of this builds the case for why our brains need gratitude this Thanksgiving 2020 more than ever. It feels so hard because we need it so much. To persuade you it’s worth the limited energy you have, I offer a breakdown of the science of gratitude and strategies to make it simple. We have enough hard right now, but trust me, this can be really easy with big benefits to get us through the next few months.

Gratitude: How Does it Work?

A small but mighty group of researchers has taken on the mission of studying the science of gratitude only since the early 2000s. In the world of social science, this is like having an infant, maybe a toddler. Two of these pioneering researchers define gratitude with the breadth needed to do it justice: “Gratitude has been conceptualized as an emotion, a virtue, a moral sentiment, a motive, a coping response, a skill, and an attitude. It is all of these and more,” Robert Emmons and Cheryl Crumpler (2000).

Even in this short time, experimental studies show clear trends in the data. People characterized as grateful and/or who engage in gratitude practices show the following benefits:

More happiness
Lower depression
Stronger social relationships and connectedness
Greater life satisfaction
Less materialistic
Better physical health
Less likely to suffer from burnout
Overall positive mood

What on this list doesn’t sound appealing? Not just for us, but for our children, too. So, how does it actually work for gratitude to result in this cornucopia of greatness? Although harder to pin down the mechanisms (welcome to social sciences), one reasonable theory suggests that the act of gratitude shifts attention away from negative emotions and perceptions (eg, resentment, envy), which decreases negative rumination, a known risk for depressed mood and lower overall well-being. Whatever is happening with our thoughts and emotions when we practice gratitude, evidence suggests it changes our brains.

It’s (Literally) All In Our Heads

Results from experimental brain studies comparing groups experiencing gratitude versus other emotions, like guilt, show distinct brain activity. For example, greater neural sensitivity in the area of the brain responsible for learning and decision making (medial prefrontal cortex if you really want to know). One of the most interesting findings from this specific study is that the brain differences seen on the fMRI scanner showed up three months after the gratitude intervention (letter writing) actually happened. The authors conclude that practicing gratitude increases the brain’s sensitivity to experiencing gratitude weeks to months later, which could explain the link with improved mental health over time.

Stay Social

In this current moment of time when staying socially connected requires *unprecedented* effort, the gratitude research can help keep us motivated. Researchers describe gratitude as working through a “find, remind, and bind” function. To break down this fun rhyme, connecting with thoughtfulness of others helps us do three things: “find” people good for quality relationships, “remind” us of the positives of existing relationships, and “bind” us to these close people.

Strategies to Increase Gratitude

I include “gratitude interventions” from experimental studies (meaning they compare groups doing and not doing the intervention), as well as from a “case study” of one (my family). The best part is how realistic these ideas are to add in to our days. Much easier than getting a new workout routine off the ground, or deciding to better organize the kitchen.

Gratitude Letters – Write a letter to someone for whom you are grateful, with or without the intention to share it with the person. The act of writing the letter connects you with positive thoughts and emotions. In a study with a group of college students experiencing anxiety and depression, effects of writing these letters were not immediate, but benefits emerged weeks later. Interestingly, only 23% of participants actually shared their letter with the person! So, just write, and then decide. It can help either way.
Gratitude Journals – List moments each day for 14 days of what you are grateful for, and see how it feels. One 2019 study found that the group who did this reported increased positive affect, happiness, and life satisfaction, and lower negative affect and depression symptoms compared to a group who did not. Either break out the dusty journals you have gotten as gifts over the years, or add a “Gratitude” folder in your phone notes app. Whatever makes it most possible to actually do the thing!
Gratitude Circle at Family Meals – I made this one up, so I have no data to support it except the general good feelings of when my own family did this the first few months of living with COVID. Each person shares one part of the day they feel grateful for, no matter how small (food came up a lot). I knew we were on to something when the kids would remind us to do it, rather than grimace and complain. This family practice not only models and builds a gratitude habit for the kids, but the act of sharing in itself adds closeness in a time where too much togetherness may be fraying everyone’s edges. (No evidence like the present that “togetherness” and “closeness” are not synonyms.)

Raising Grateful Children

I hope I’m not the only parent who sometimes wonders whether I am inadvertently raising entitled children despite my own value on giving, service, and yes, gratitude. Starting their Christmas lists before Halloween. Counting presents and comparing who has how many. The lack of enthusiasm (to put it mildly) for writing thank-you notes. After a fun outing that cost more than usual or was ultra special in other ways, “What are we doing next?” YOU WILL BE GRATEFUL FOR WHAT WE JUST DID!

Thankfully (pun intended), some research has examined how parents can influence children’s gratitude. The limited studies have found small links between children and mothers’ self-reported gratitude (sorry Dads, maybe just not enough participated), and that more “dispositionally grateful” parents were more likely to expose their children to situations inspiring gratitude, like volunteer experiences.

I also discovered an entire project dedicated to this topic, aptly titled the Raising Grateful Children project at UNC Chapel Hill. They propose four key steps to teaching gratitude:

What we NOTICE in our lives for which we can be grateful
How we THINK about why we have been given those things
How we FEEL about the things we have been given
What we DO to express appreciation in turn

The research shows we are great at teaching our children the “DO” part (write that thank-you note, tell someone thank you) but we rarely cover the Notice, Think, and Feel parts.

Questions we can ask our children (from this article, I did not paraphrase because I didn’t want to mess with their intended meaning):

NOTICE Questions:
- What have you been given or what do you already have in your life for which you are grateful?
- Are there gifts behind the material gifts for which you are grateful, like someone thinking about you or caring about you enough to give you the gift?
THINK Questions:
- Why do you think you received this gift?
- Do you think you owe the giver something in return? Do you think you earned the gift because of something you did yourself? Do you think the gift was something the giver had to give you?
- If you answered no to these questions, then you may be more likely to be grateful.
FEEL Questions:
- Does it make you feel happy to get this gift? What does that feel like inside? What about the gift makes you feel happy?
- These questions help the child connect their positive feeling to the gifts that they receive in their lives.
DO Questions:
- Is there a way you want to show how you feel about this gift?
- Does the feeling you have about this gift make you want to share that feeling by giving something to someone else?
- Prompting children after experiences of gratitude in order to motivate acts of gratitude, whether they be acts of appreciation or paying it forward, may help children connect their experiences and actions in the world.

With Thanks

Although it may feel challenging this Thanksgiving to pull off the ritual “everyone go around the table and say what you are thankful for,” I wonder if when we really think about it, we realize this whole COVID experience has made us experience gratitude in new ways. As much as I crave alone time, I am thankful for my most loved ones being safe and sound each day in our home. As much as I miss the soul medicine of time with friends, I feel grateful for having time and space to talk to some I haven’t connected with in too long. As uncertain and fearful as the general climate is right now, I appreciate the predictability of my neighborhood’s simple beauty that I drink in on my daily walks.

Maybe in a few weeks, I will feel the benefit of research and writing about gratitude. That will be perfect timing in the midst of the winter ahead. Since becoming a bear is not an option. Thank you for reading, and may your Winter days find pockets of gratitude and all the greatness that comes along with it.