The Psychology of Parenting In A Pandemic

I generally stay out of the line of deadly fire in any sort of Facebook group, especially neighborhood and parenting ones. By now, these types of groups are notorious as virtual hot spots of hostility. Along with all the other damage in its path, though, COVID19 seems to have unleashed an even angrier vibe than usual, especially as the pandemic wears on with no end in clear sight.

Psychology 101: Everyone Is Scared

I find it amusing when people find out I’m a psychologist and ask, “Are you analyzing me?” No because you’re not paying me! Right now, though, I am analyzing the rise of angry and hostile online and in-person behaviors that have come part and parcel with COVID19. It’s upsetting to my conflict-avoidant nature to witness and experience, but it comes down to two words: fear and anxiety.

In my day job as a therapist, I spend hours every day listening to and figuring out how to help people of all ages manage COVID anxiety. I will share the cliff notes version of why we’re anxious (free of charge!): 1. Lack of control; 2. No known endpoint; 3. Uncertainty at every level of daily life; 4. The prospect that we, or a loved one, will die.

The biological purpose of fear is to keep us alive. This virus threatens our life. Thus, being scared about COVID keeps us alive. But this is not a face-off with a predator when our biological fear response of fighting or fleeing will save us. This is a chronic, ongoing threat to safety that keeps us in a state of anxiety that can end up more harmful than helpful, depending on what we do with it.

“Letting compassion take the wheel from fear can help us all make good decisions, driven by clarity rather than anxiety. ”

Right now, all of us parents are operating at higher anxiety levels than usual – just look at the stories of sleep problems and nightmares since COVID started! We are walking around exhausted and stressed from the increased demands on an already overflowing stress cup, AND keyed up with anxiety about our well-being, our children’s well-being, and the future for our families. And our specific fears rise up to kick this state of anxiety into even higher overdrive, which can result in this aggressive “fight” response seen across social media platforms (also safer to express from behind a keyboard rather than face to face).

We are all scared. Fear is what I see playing out in the heated and emotional debates about parenting decisions in the age of COVID. We are all grieving the loss of normal while managing chronic, high anxiety. Where our fears may have been lurking in the backseat before, they are now in the driver’s seat, taking the wheel.

I understand it. I have compassion for it. And I hope we can all find more compassion for each other as we face the demands of parenting in a pandemic that – have you heard – are unprecedented.

Parenting In a Pandemic: The Debates

The Mask Debate

In all of my compassion and understanding of what underlies mystifying human behaviors, I will start with a clear statement backed by science: wear a mask. There are many, many ways to justify the importance of wearing masks to prevent and slow the spread of COVID19 in our communities, and that in itself should not be a debate.

It’s the when and where of mask-wearing that stirs up the parenting pot. I live in a state that has required wearing a mask in public indoors since May, so this has been an easy call to make. I have read about the viral load and many analyses indicating that being unmasked outdoors in uncrowded areas is relatively low risk. So, my children and I wear masks whenever we are out and about beyond our neighborhood. We don’t wear masks walking and biking around a few-block radius of our neighborhood.

I have read some pretty nasty comments toward people making this same decision my family has made – how we must not regard the dignity of others to stay safe and healthy, we are selfish and ignorant, and obviously terrible parents letting our barbarian kids loose to infect everyone. And guess what? I have had similar thoughts about others making different decisions than I have. I have been judged, and I have judged. I feel the extra chest tension when I have been in a populous area where people are not masked, and recognize it as the anxiety that they are threatening my safety. I understand that others may see me unmasked walking my dog, and have a similar reaction. Even if I feel safe, they may not.

Part of addressing anxiety is going after our anxious thoughts. In this vein, could we challenge assumptions that others are uninformed and reckless, even a little bit, to decrease the sense of threat, which allows us to increase compassion? When we see a few kids riding bikes around a neighborhood, unmasked, maybe the parents are in constant communication about exposure factors and are making an informed decision rather than a dangerous one. Letting compassion take the wheel from fear can help us all make good decisions, driven by clarity rather than anxiety.

The Play Date Debate

I’m even scared to write about this, but here goes – should our kids have play dates? It was clearest in the beginning to Just Say No. It was the smartest decision to be on full lockdown, take no chances, and the pandemic would be over soon. Okay, so I’m not sure any of us were really convinced it would actually be “over soon,” but I am guessing we also didn’t expect it to still be THIS BAD SO MANY MONTHS LATER.

It’s demoralizing to say the least that we spent almost three months in social deprivation, only to have it feel like it didn’t earn us the exit we anticipated. For some, continuing to keep it as black and white as it was initially is the best way to go – no play dates is a clear line. For many, however, it’s a decision in the grey area, ranging from masked, socially distant, closely supervised play dates to a curated pod of locked down friends, no masks required.

Each of our families is dealing with different day-to-day realities that influence our decision-making. Some of us have a grandparent with all the risk factors who we still want to be able to spend time with, so those children may be more homebound. Some of us have children whose mental health is breaking down before our eyes because of the lack of socializing, so we decide this is a more immediate threat. At least for now. It’s a constant cycle of risk assessment and reassessment, as information about risk seems to change on the daily.

The Back-to-School Debate

Speaking of risk data changing daily . . . I have myself suffered from stress, anxiety, and insomnia directly caused by the back-to-school debate. I thought I knew what I thought, and then I didn’t know what to think anymore. I’m scared of schools reopening. I’m scared of how my family life will implode if forced back into remote learning and working reminiscent of the Spring. I’m scared to say any of it out loud to most people because it will somehow be the “wrong” opinion.

I do hope we are getting to a place of common understanding that there’s no good option, no great solution, no magical erasure of all kinds of risk that will make any of us comfortable and at peace. We may vary on how we assess risk due to personal differences with risk factors (chronic medical condition v significant behavioral or emotional needs), but I think we can agree that our differing perspectives are based on wanting the best. “The best” is going to be different depending on each family’s circumstances.

I am desperate for my children to be physically at school – mostly for their social, emotional, and academic welfare, and yes, a little bit for my sanity after our dystopian Spring. I admit, however, that despite my desperation, if my district announced “5 days a week in person!” (they did not, but others nearby have) I would panic. I’m also listening closely to the fears of educators, imagining myself in their position, and it’s changing my perspective. Like I said, I thought I knew what I thought, and now I’m not sure what to think, or even hope.

Be the Change – And It’s Okay to Change

I want to be super clear about this – listening to teachers describe their perspective has changed me. The name-calling, insults, and venomous accusations peppering Facebook threads have decidedly done nothing to change my mind; it has only saddened me to see communities breaking apart instead of sticking together. The conflict and fighting has also made me more anxious about all of it, because it disconnects us from each other.

Another quick psychology lesson: hostile and aggressive communication is not effective in changing opinions. It IS effective in making people feel threatened and therefore acting aggressively right back. If we better managed our judgment and shaming of each other, maybe we would feel safer being more honest with each other. In a group text of moms of my daughter’s friends, we asked out loud, “Should we be taking more precautions? What does everyone think?” It’s okay to ask, and to answer honestly. It’s okay to change our minds. It’s okay to have some differing opinions and approaches.

Take Back the Wheel

We have to treat each other better. We have to acknowledge how fear is behind the wheel of many of our reactions, responses and judgments, and then take some control back from the fear. We have to keep talking to each other. We have to allow ourselves, and others, to change our minds because it’s hard to know the best solution, and the “best” may change day to day.

The problem with parent shaming is we develop a fear of being shamed, which means we stop talking. We hide. We aren’t fully transparent because we don’t want to be judged. All of this erodes the very connections we need right now for our mental and emotional well-being.

The media likes to portray a divided and angry nation. But national polling suggests Americans actually agree on quite a bit when it comes to living in COVID, including the general principle that wearing masks is important, and being nervous about going back to school in all its possible forms. We share the fear and anxiety, even if they take different shapes depending on our circumstances. We are all suffering, and we need each other to get through to the other side.