Politics in Parenting

Sep 29

Why and How to Talk Politics with Our Children

The 2020 election is just days away (!) and as we are all still living on an hour-by-hour basis in the chronic stress of a global pandemic, we may be even more reluctant than usual to take on politics with our children. Not only does the current political atmosphere likely bring up strong and unpleasant emotions for us, we may be taking notes from our own parents about how much to talk politics around the dinner table (the answer for many in our generation is not at all). If our children aren’t coming home asking about the electoral college, can we just punt this topic down the road for another day?

Political science professor from Stevens Institute of Technology, Lindsey Cormack, PhD, reached out to me to discuss this very topic and she urged quite persuasively for parents to please NOT keep punting it down the road. She helped me answer the pressing questions of why and how we should talk politics with our children, not even in this divisive atmosphere, but perhaps because of it.

The Why of Politics in Parenting

Why should we broach politics around the dinner table when we can just focus on who doesn’t like what on their plate for the night? The first reason is that many of our schools aren’t really doing it. Dr. Cormack explains: “The standardized tests necessary for college have ZERO civic content or components, so it’s not surprising how little of our ‘preparation’ for life in the form of a K-12 education stresses how governing actually happens.” I don’t know a single adult who grew up in the 80s who doesn’t remember how the singing, dancing bill became a law; apparently, our children have been deprived of a similarly memorable lesson.

“Not talking about it can feel like a way to protect our children, when ironically, avoiding political discussions ends up leaving them unprotected.”

Although there are limited studies on outcomes of what happens if we do or do not discuss politics with our children, Dr. Cormack makes a great point about possible benefits: “Locking children out of engaging their curiosities about governing robs young people of an opportunity to ponder, develop a fascination for, and potentially heal some of the pains we experience in our systems.” In fact, it’s not only potentially beneficial for our children, but can help us examine and refine our belief systems: “The questions of children, in their open and less prejudicial style, allow adults to really hone in on why one holds the political preferences they do and what one considers as the greater goals for our society.”

Finally, don’t you want your children to learn from you instead of the other more nefarious sources they are likely to encounter these days? Even if your child is too young to be running across dubious news sources online, it will happen soon enough. We know how important it is for parents to directly discuss other issues like sex and racism with their children rather than leaving it to the educational system or their peers. Why wouldn’t we want to be their primary source for politics too?

The How of Politics in Parenting

“Do As I Say AND As I Do”

Politics in Parenting: Why and How to Talk Politics with our Children

What does this discussion actually look like? It’s not telling them what to believe or how to vote (tempting as that may be), it’s about opening up dialogue about the importance of exploring beliefs and participating in democracy. In fact, if you do hope your child becomes a voting member of society, Dr. Cormack has encouraging news: “There is reason to believe that the act and tradition of voting is generationally transferred such that kids who come from more openly politically involved and active homes do things like voting with greater frequency than their peers from less openly political homes.”

As is true across most aspects of parenting, we are constantly role modeling for our children. I have taken my children to vote with me as a way to de-mystify the process, but also to leave more of an impression than mom attempting deep talks they aren’t really interested in at the moment. My children may roll their eyes at us (“are you talking politics AGAIN?”) but they are listening, and viewing us as caring about how what happens outside of our family. Even if they are not totally interested in that moment at the dinner table, they see and hear that their parents ARE interested. We even sneak in some conversations about why and how what happens in our government affects the daily lives of us and the people we love.

Although my husband and I are good at expressing what distresses us about the day’s headlines, Dr. Cormack encourages us to focus on the how of politics rather than the what: “It doesn't even need to be so much of a values/partisanship/ideology discussion.” She lays out three steps to a productive discussion:

“Aim first for a process discussion. For example, ‘How does this happen? What are the position we elect people to do? How often do we do that? What are their roles?’
Second, use the frame of a good/engaged/participating citizen, stressing the importance of society as a multi-faceted thing that needs different parts from different people.
Third, a values discussion kids are interested in is their parents’ politics. That's where the elevation of our adult politics comes into play because kids will ask questions and point out our inconsistencies.”

How to Start

I thought I was a Dr. Seuss aficionado after raising three children through the early years of reading, but I discovered the Cat in the Hat explains voting in One Vote, Two Votes, You Vote, I Vote, by Bonnie Worth, perfect for young children.

For older children who are more likely to come home from discussions with friends with certain ideas and knowledge, Dr. Cormack recommends using the questions she poses to her undergraduates:

What have you heard about X? (Entry point)
What do you think about X? (Opinion)
What do you know about X? (Fact...or if not, an opportunity to point out the distinction between fact and opinion)
What more would you like to know? (Learning!)

These starting points are just that — the start. The start of hopefully many, many discussions to truly deepen and widen their knowledge and understanding. When I attempted to ensure my children were up to date about the significance of Ruth Bader Ginsberg’s legacy after her recent death, my 8-year-old stated she had never heard of the Supreme Court. “I have failed you as a mother!” I lamented, out loud. I then reviewed the three branches of government, and with this prompt, she recalled learning about this in the Spring. So, my lesson is to keep talking — and remember nothing in parenting is ever checked off the list as “done.”

Protecting Our Children With, Not From, Politics

The idea of “talking politics” as impolite and unsavory dates back generations. Not talking about it can feel like a way to protect our children, when ironically, avoiding political discussions ends up leaving them unprotected. As Dr. Cormack points out: “Politics are going to happen to them (it happens to and with all of us). Knowing where their power resides and how they can use it is much more useful than not broaching the subject at all.” By setting a tone of curiosity and open dialogue in our families, we can empower our children with a foundation of knowledge that will serve them when we are not around.

The word “politics” may bring up notions of greed, power, deceit, manipulation, and all sorts of bad values we would not promote with our children. But if we can re-frame politics as a necessary and intrinsic part of our functioning society, maybe we can actually see this as an opportunity for this next generation we are currently raising. Knowing and understanding government and politics can support our children in the values of inter-connectedness, showing them through our words and actions how their lives are connected with the world outside of their homes and neighborhoods.