From “Serve Me” to Self-Sufficiency

I’ll never forget the mother in my office who looked at me with that “I’m so over it” face as she described how her 11-year-old yells for her from the basement instead of getting up to do what he’s begging her to do for him. As this mother’s son directed her to do something for him while in my office, she said “I’m not your servant” to which he replied, “Yes you are.” Did he just say what all our kids are thinking??
 
I’ve been routinely reminding my kids a mother is not a servant as my 8-year-old sits like a prince on the couch ordering snacks and water to be brought to him. It takes exasperation and energy to resist, and sometimes I do give in, but each time I redirect to “I’m not doing that for you. You can do it,” a self-sufficiency fairy gets her wings.
 
I hear similar stories all the time, like the group of moms in the gym complaining about middle schoolers asking them to fill up their water bottles—every dang morning. I’m sure you have your own examples. (If not, hoorah! Celebrate!)

Why, why, why do our kids do this to us? I do not have a scientific answer based in brain development. I do have a theory that the 2000s trend of intensive parenting dovetailed with the heightened fear and anxiety of pandemic parenting to make us all more hovering. Before we knew it, our kids are resisting the simplest of independent tasks.  

There’s also a quite basic, common-sense reason: it’s easier when someone else does things for us. It’s a sweet deal. And many parents automatically do so much for their kids that we probably do not realize we have sort of programmed our children to expect a full-service instead of self-service lifestyle.
 
But that doesn’t mean we can’t re-program these little loafers. It just takes a lot of repetition and resisting of our own impulses to do what feels easiest. At least in my case, it is easier to just bring my son a granola bar than to go through the rigamarole of saying “No you can come get it;” him arguing; me insisting; him begging; me insisting . . . 5 minutes later, how many granola bar trips could have happened? But I’ve decided it is worth it.
 
This past year, we worked hard at reprogramming in my house. One new strategy that smoothed out the after-school hours of the push and pull between my son wanting to veg out, and us having self-sufficiency expectations for him, is The Whiteboard. As two child psychologists as parents, it’s embarrassing how long it took us to use the tried and true “visual lists.” I recommend them all the time to families I work with, yet we had overlooked them in our own family.

It sounds simple because it is: my son came home every day and wrote down a list on a white board of his afternoon tasks and activities. We started with tasks, but he and his sister (who doesn’t really need a list but enjoys making one) elevated it to include “needs” and “wants.”
 
A perfect example of the value of kid collaboration, I thought this addition was brilliant. Instead of the list only representing what he has to do (chore, make lunch, shower, a bit of math), he writes what he wants to do (video game, play soccer, TV). While making his list, my son also decides on the order of activities. I step in only if I see a mis-estimation of time, but otherwise, he’s in charge of the sequence. Sometimes the sibling duo illustrates the lists for extra flair!
 
The whiteboard system passed the novelty expiration date, lasting well past the first week or two into the last few months of school. My son was never super excited to do chores or anything, but there was so much less resistance and arguing than there was pre-whiteboard. Not only does he know what to expect between getting home from school and going to bed, he’s in charge of how to do it all.
 
Our whiteboard success illustrates some key parts of autonomy-supportive parenting and how they work together. We have expectations for him that are non-negotiable. However, he has choices within those expectations (his “wants” and the sequence of activities). This sense of choice increases his internal motivation for the stuff he doesn’t enjoy doing. This greater motivation leads to more independence and confidence in doing his tasks. This independence and confidence result in him feeling more competence and mastery in his day-to-day activities. These are the rungs on the ladder leading to . . . AUTONOMY.
 
It may seem as if The Whiteboard approach doesn’t have anything to do with the “I’m not your servant” problem. But think about all that is being programmed by using The Whiteboard: he’s doing behaviors he doesn’t love every day without feeling forced by us in the moment, and he feels a sense of agency and control over part of his day. In fact, I’ve noticed he’s finally getting up to fill up his own water at dinner without asking us first – that is success!

AND let's not leave out one of the best parts: WE ARE DOING LESS. Less nagging. Less reminding. Less arguing. All of it means less stress.

Here's to finding your version of The Whiteboard solution, and re-programming everyone's mindset from "serve me" to self-sufficient. Good luck!

**You can pre-order my book Autonomy-Supportive Parenting: Reduce Parental Burnout and Raise Competent, Confident Children on Amazon and Bookshop.