Summer Schedule: Is It Too Controlling?

May 23

A couple of summer-related truths about parenting that nobody told me before I had school-aged kids:

1. Camps are not only budget-breakingly expensive (so much for saving money on no more daycare) but actually getting kids into camp is a Hunger Games affair. In February.

2. When camp is not happening (let’s say because of a pandemic, full camps, or aged-out kids) and you still have an income-earning job to perform (or really any part of life that is not parenting), you have kids at home with no structure. Which for the young teens in my family has meant lots of time to consume full bags of chips and be on a device. And need me. And disturb me.

Last summer was our first foray into more self-sufficient kids and only part-time childcare. It was disastrous for my own sense of calm (and productivity).

So, when a reader emailed me this dilemma after reading my Control Conundrum newsletter, I knew I was not alone in my hopes for a smoother summer: “I really want to create a schedule for my kids’ summer days that we agree to together that includes reading time, outdoor activity time and a max online gaming time. I wonder if that is too controlling.”

First, I love the awareness to even pose the question: is this summer schedule too controlling? The answer: it depends on two factors. First, it depends on your kids. The science has shown that some kids are born feeling more naturally autonomous. They are more likely to interact with adults in ways that encourage the adults to keep promoting their autonomy. It’s a beautiful feedback loop of autonomy. If you only have this type of kid, you may need very little support in this area.

Then there are the kids who feel more controlled at baseline. They are sensitive to any glimmer of being “made” to do things. As my daughter once put it, “When I want to do something and then you tell me to do it, I don’t want to do it anymore.” These are our rebels. Future leaders and activists, maybe? But while they are in our homes, they need some seriously heavy-handed autonomy support.

Second, it depends on your mindset and approach. I will illustrate this below by contrasting what the research has deemed features of controlling parenting with autonomy-supportive tools. (I use this method to address parenting dilemmas throughout my book. Unfortunately, I can’t make the handy dandy tables here that contrast the approaches in a more visually appealing way!)

Summer Structure: Controlling or Collaborative?

Let’s say you have three summer schedule goals for your kids: read, be active outside, and play online gaming in moderation. And you want to “agree together” on these goals. Your first step is to decide if these three goals are firm expectations or flexible with kid input. (There’s no right or wrong – you know your kids best! Some kids need the hard and clear limits to stick with it; other kids are more likely to go along with all of it if the limits are more flexible.) Then you sit down for a family talk.

When you start a conversation with your kids about the summer schedule, how do you approach the discussion in a way that doesn’t set up a summer-long battle of the wills?

First, the controlling approach:

Invalidate their experience. “We need a good structure for this summer so your minds don’t rot!”
Instill shame. “If we just left you to figure this out, you would sit in the dark all day and turn into lazy couch potatoes.”
Be directive. “You will read for an hour every day, play outside for two hours, and do gaming for a max of one hour.”
Use threats: “If you don’t follow the schedule, you lose online gaming for the whole summer.”
Coercive rewards: “You can have ice cream each night if you follow the schedule.”

Now, compare with the autonomy-supportive way:

Take their perspective. “I know you want to relax and have fun this summer and feel like you get a real break from school.”
Provide rationale for the summer schedule expectation. “With no school, a routine is still important in our family. We also want you to have a nice balance of how you spend your time every day.”
Be collaborative: “What would you want to make sure you do every day, or at least most days?”
Involve in decision-making: “Let’s put together a schedule for the weekdays. Think about what would feel best to do in the mornings and in the afternoons. How much time do you think is reasonable for each activity?” [Getting their input does not mean it's the final word, but it’s a good starting point to help kids feel ownership over the process.]
Expect independence: “We trust you to stick to the schedule without us nagging you! What’s a good way to help you remember, especially at the beginning of summer?” [Visual schedules are great – maybe they write up their own to post where they want.]
Non-coercive rewards: “When the weeks go well with the schedule we agree on, we can celebrate on Friday afternoons with a fun outing of your choice.”

If you have kids old enough to participate in such a meeting of the minds, you likely realize this only establishes your starting point. The more you can prepare for the f-word of parenting (flexibility!), the smoother the inevitably bumpy summer path will be. Parts of the schedule will work . . . until they don’t work; parts of the schedule may bomb. That’s when you re-evaluate, get more input, and revise the plan.

But what you accomplish with this initial set-up is the spirit of collaboration, the message that you see their input as valuable, and the knowledge that you all share the same ultimate goal of a fun and relaxing summer. With some structure.

No matter where you are in the countdown from school year to summer, it’s coming for all of us. The chlorine and sunscreen, family trips that do not count as “vacation,” the later bedtimes and sticky popsicle juice cheeks, the bare feet blackened by running the neighborhood with friends, and the ongoing attempts at some sense of routine in the upheaval of it all. Buckle up and good luck!

Remember — if you have your own control conundrum, send it my way and I may just apply the autonomy-supportive formula to help you solve (or soften) it!

**You can pre-order my book Autonomy-Supportive Parenting: Reduce Parental Burnout and Raise Competent, Confident Children on Amazon and Bookshop.