I would venture to say (very non-scientifically) that becoming a mother may be the biggest risk factor for sleep problems. Think about it – from pregnancy hormones, discomfort, and worry, to the newborn “sleep” cycle totally incompatible with feeling human, to 4-year-olds running screaming into your room at 2 a.m. (oh is that just mine? It’s like a horror movie scene every time), to worrying about your teenage kids not home yet, our children hijack our sleep.

As I am a complete human being all on my own, and do not need the constant company of my children to be whole, I have had to figure out boundaries between us. How can I be the connected, available, supportive mother I value, while also being the rest of me? If there’s anything I’ve learned as a mother, it’s that being one can become all-consuming. If I let it. And for the sake of my wellness and being the kind of mother I want to be, I need boundaries.

My greatest fear is letting down my children in a fundamental, formative way that probably has nothing to do with sugary snacks and screen time. Part of the fabric of perfectionism? Control. Or more accurately, the illusion of control.

We planned our one-week 10th anniversary trip to Sedona, Arizona months in advance, when the abstract idea of the getaway felt magical. As the date got closer, though, I began to feel the panic rise about the reality of leaving the kids.

There is more and more evidence for how stress directly affects our immune systems, how our major organs work, our lifespans, and our emotional health. So besides running away to a Hawaiian island far away from it all, what can we do?

Either I respond to my daughter’s emotional needs at the sacrifice of my emotional well-being, or I ignore her to take what I needed. And that’s how it feels – TAKING, which feels selfish, which is against every cultural ideal of how a mother should be.

There is a largely unrecognized emotional labor of parenting. In my definition, this includes tuning into emotions underlying our children’s behaviors, restraining our own emotions in order to more effectively respond to theirs, and getting ahead of potential emotional landmines by taking action.

We likely attach more meaning and purpose to our identities as wife and mother, especially when we are surrounded by the message that “good” mothers and wives know all and do all for our families.