The Parenting Expert Paradox

As I anticipate the release of my first parenting book, which involves scheduling interviews to speak as an expert, I admit I find myself caught in a parenting expert paradox. My experience checks the boxes to be considered a parenting expert, yet part of my expertise would recommend not relying on them (us, I guess). The problem isn’t necessarily with the parenting experts themselves (although sometimes it is), but with listening too closely to them. 

Hopefully if you’re reading this, you know that I look at the science behind parenting guidance. This isn’t because science has all the answers – far from it — but because there has been so much damaging guidance that has zero scientific basis (looking at you Gwyneth and the author of The Secret). Or there may be a kernel of scientific truth stuffed deep inside a bunch of fluff. This non-scientific or pseudo-scientific approach is the backbone of many parenting memes on Instagram. It is misleading and flat out wrong at times, causing unnecessary stress for parents looking for answers. 

This is exactly why I started writing about parenting with my background as a scientifically trained psychologist. But even as I work to counteract parenting untruths floating around and stressing out parents, I feel ambivalent about my own messaging. 

I believe in what I write about – that autonomy-supportive parenting is not only well-supported with evidence but matches common sense about what is healthy for kids and families. But I want to be clear about where one could go astray in its actual practice. Real life does not operate well with absolutes like “always do this” and “never do that.” (The exception being any form of abuse of course—never physically hurt or emotionally demean a child.) But absolutism is what seems to pervade both the translation of science to real life and pop culture parenting guidance (e.g., a couple messages I have big issues with are “never use time-out” and “consequences are bad;” I wrote more about this in my post, How to Find the Right Discipline Formula for Your Family).

Let’s take some examples from my experience of “doing” autonomy-supportive parenting in real life:

1.      Autonomy-supportive parenting supports the use of natural and logical consequences rather than threats or punishment. Have I fully abandoned threats? No, even if they aren’t always effective, sometimes the moment calls for it. If we start to rely on threats too much, they will backfire (kid gets more upset instead of cooperative) to give us a natural consequence and we pivot. That’s real life. But in my family, we talk about and wield natural and logical consequences as our main discipline approach. With some threats sometimes. [Note here that some popular parenting experts espouse consequences as disrupting connection. I’m here to strongly disagree based on common sense and science – you can have consequences and connection, I promise.]

2.     Another feature of autonomy-supportive parenting is using flexible language instead of directive language. This would look like “hey it’s probably a good idea to think about how you’re going to fit in your homework” instead of “you need to sit down and do your homework now.” This one took some time for me to get the hang of, but it works pretty great. I can feel the collaborative spirit vanquishing the potential conflict. However, do I walk around all day making gentle suggestions at every turn? No. Here’s a sampling of my family’s morning routine: “It’s getting late. Put on your socks and shoes. Get your backpack ready. Stop messing with your sister and do what you need to do.” In fact, some kids respond better to short directives when there’s a time crunch. 

3.     Now let’s take the foundation of both autonomy-supportive parenting and positive/gentle parenting: taking a child’s perspective and using empathy. I believe in this with the depths of my soul. As a child therapist, I am a huge advocate for understanding and responding to a child’s inner experience and emotional life. And, you just can’t do it all the time. I have written before about the limits of empathy and why too much empathy for our children is actually harmful. 

So, yes it’s good to make an effort at understanding your child’s experience by being curious with open-ended questions before making assumptions or issuing discipline. But not always. If your child is smacking their sibling, you stop it. It might be helpful when they are calm to explore what the heck happened inside of them at the time of attack, but it may not. Prioritize your emotional energy to take your child’s perspective with your empathy muscles for the big stuff; don’t sweat the small stuff. Your child can feel understood by you in a more global sense without feeling understood every single hour.

Stay Skeptical

What I try to communicate as much as possible in this culture of pithy reels and clickbait headlines is that the general home environment you create as a parent matters more than each specific interaction between parent and child. I remember the totally ridiculous fad of “never tell your child No.” If a parent believes that will harm their child (no proof whatsoever) and starts to self-police every comment coming out of their mouth, that is a complete waste of a parent’s limited energy. For no good reason. That pressure to parent “right” in those small moments adds stress to the parent and reduces a parent’s own authenticity in their interactions, both of which cause more problems than saying No to a child.

It is wise to consume parenting guidance skeptically, such as questioning the evidence for the most appealing claims. (Example: “take this 3-day training to never yell at your child again;” have they conducted randomized control trials to prove that this intervention guarantees this outcome?) But even when advice is reasonable, realistic, and has good evidence, the truth is there is no one truth in parenting. As any parent knows who has actually parented, nothing works all the time for everyone.  

I love that you read my blog posts and are interested in autonomy-supportive parenting, but don’t listen to me. Or, rather, I encourage you to listen to what sounds good to you and right for your family and skip the rest. 

 For an excellent parenting science expert, follow Cara Goodwin @Parentingtranslator on Instagram and subscribe to her substack! She and I are totally simpatico in the universe of offering reasonable, balanced information for parents. I predict she will 100% sign off on this post!

**You can pre-order my book Autonomy-Supportive Parenting: Reduce Parental Burnout and Raise Competent, Confident Children on Amazon and Bookshop.