TikTok’ed: Why I Say No to Pre-Teens Using Social Media

Jan 21

Social Media and Child Development

It’s been easy to rail against the use of social media apps for pre-teens, knowing instinctively that the longer my own family can put that off, the better. My mama heart wants to keep my three children innocent and protected until we absolutely have to unlock the gates of the wild west of social media shenanigans, ushering in threats big and small.

Then my responsible, earnest 10-year-old daughter came to us with a well-reasoned request to use TikTok. My husband had never heard of it, but I knew it as the most recent form of teenage social media addiction and grounds for questionable posting decisions. My heart screamed “NO!” but I shut it up and did what I would advise other parents to do: listen, use it as a teaching moment, and force myself to think from her perspective.

“Our pre-teens should be navigating their sense of self in the real world as much as possible, dealing with real people in real time.”

I listened to her reasoning: “all” of her friends have it (not actually true, but at least two). She loves making videos and it would give her a new opportunity to do it (she is very creative). She would only share and view her friends’ videos. Mom and Dad would have full access (no-brainer). I agreed with the advantages: feeling included, a chance to be creative, and a training ground for using social media in a controlled way.

I also shared my concerns: she’ll become obsessed with it, strangers might find her, and she may not want us so closely supervising. Then I looked up an article to get more information and found a balanced perspective about how the app can be grounds for creativity, but best of all, there’s a version for kids under 13 that keeps much stricter access to and from her videos.

My 8-year-old looked on as her sister and I talked, and I decided to be honest with both of them about my bigger concerns – online safety, the addictive nature of social media, and that it really is designed for older teens and adults. I don’t know how much they absorbed, but it gets the ball rolling for many, many discussions to come.

I approach most parenting topics with curiosity and openness to understand different perspectives and decisions. This is not true for pre-teens using social media. My strong and unwavering opinion is that these social media platforms, in their true forms, are developmentally unfit. At the very least, our pre-teens should not be using them at the same access level of adults and teens; ideally, they should not use them at all.

I understand the innocence and fun of posting pictures and videos to share with friends. But since the whole point of these platforms is to garner likes and followers, this sets up a two-pronged problem: the psychological quicksand of getting caught up in how popular posts are, and unregulated exposure to strangers and adult content.

The Popularity Trap

I am the first person to point out that the associations made between social media use and serious mental health issues like suicide are not well-established as causal. There are many variables that could contribute to the rising rates of depression and anxiety in youth, and it is way too simplified to attribute this to any one factor. However, in the context of my argument about pre-teens not using social media, pre-teens are just beginning that developmental phase of attaching their identities to how peers see them and treat them. The idea of being popular or not popular surfaces, the innocence of fluid friendships built on a shared love of LOL dolls left in the dust of childhood glitter.

The motive to gain likes and followers, deliberately set up by social media platforms to drive use and make money, is a terrible fit for the pre-teen’s vulnerable phase of developing one’s self-concept and confidence. As we know, adults get caught up in this and also struggle, so why would we expect our 10-year-olds to be able to weather this false popularity with perspective and maturity? Doing this in person, face-to-face is hard enough.

Our pre-teens should be navigating their sense of self in the real world as much as possible, dealing with real people in real time. Once they have developed and practiced these skills, and built confidence about who they are, they are better prepared to see the social media version of popularity for what it is.

Exposure to Strangers

A recent article describing the week in the life of a 37-year-old woman posing as an 11-year-old girl on Instagram, full of details about explicit and disgusting sexual predator behaviors, reinforced my worst fears. I typically read these types of articles with skepticism to avoid being tricked into manufactured fear, but this account hit a nerve. I have since read criticism of this piece as slanted to promote an online safety business embedded in the article, and I righted myself to take a more balanced perspective.

I’m sure if every young girl who posted selfies on Instagram received a slew of pornographic responses by adult men, we would all be hearing a lot more about it. At the very least, I would know from my own village of parents. But even less extreme encounters, and types of content, concern me.

Part of being a pre-teen is looking up to teenagers. I remember how my brother’s girlfriends seemed so glamorous and confident, or how I thought I would be just like Molly Ringwald in Sixteen Candles when I “grew up.” This tendency towards idolization and idealization takes a risky turn if you pay attention to how these older teens are often using platforms like Instagram. Look at this and then think about if you would want your pre-teen child aspiring to how these teens portray themselves. It’s a far cry from the flirty but modest Samantha kissing her dream boy on a table.

The hyper-sexualizing of pictures and videos – again to garner the most likes and followers – is perhaps the most obvious concern. Children are the masters of imitation, even when they don’t understand what they are imitating. It can feel like an uphill battle in our society to instill in my daughters the belief that their appearance does not dictate their value, but I feel like the battle would be lost if they got a hold of feeds on the most popular social media platforms.

Sexual development in pre-teens is a hugely critical developmental phase setting them up for healthy sexual identities and behaviors down the road. It is tough enough they are starting to have their first unrequited crushes, or feelings of embarrassment about their body parts, or no longer feeling grossed out by watching a couple on TV kiss. But developmentally, they are not prepared for the unfiltered sexual content possible on these platforms. At this age, there is no doubt that parents and other trusted, vetted sources need to be the primary educators and sources of information for sex and sexuality.

Although sex is at the top of the list of obvious concerns, other adult content can be harmful and confusing. People use these platforms to process their own traumas, including experiences of abuse. I wish they wouldn’t, and I wish people had better support than comments from strangers under their post, but it’s out there.

I know teens who openly share struggles with other serious issues like self-harm behaviors and eating disorders. It’s not that pre-teens should be shielded from all this in total ignorance, because indeed some already struggle, but the focus on one provocative image or statement in a social media feed leaves out critically important information to understand the whole of these struggles. This narrow focus can cause more fear and confusion about topics that need depth and time for pre-teens to process emotionally and cognitively.

TikTok’ed

My 10-year-old signed up for TikTok, accurately entering her birthdate. I have watched what she does with it, which is very limited (prompting complaints). She has vacillated between phases of begging to be able to access more as her friends (allegedly) do, and appearing to totally forget about it.

I have reminded her that although her father and I would never violate her privacy by looking at her journals, we have full access to her browser history and any apps she uses on any of her devices. For now, she has kept her promise to be trustworthy in her online endeavors. After our discussions, I think she may be nervous about what she could find if she cheats, and I’m glad.

Since TikTok entered our home, I have read and heard even more nefarious accounts of its dangers, cementing my stance against it. But if it’s not TikTok, it will be another platform, and I will keep having the conversations with them about responsible use, while also keeping an eye on developmental fit.

My daughter says I’m over-protective. I’m fine with it. In fact, in a few unguarded moments she has thanked me for being over-protective. Our kids are built to test the very limits they need to feel safe and loved. And social media is a whole new playground of limit-testing.