The Best Parenting Books for Science-Loving, Tired Parents
I survived many – nay, most – years of parenting without picking up a parenting book, but then I started writing about parenting myself, so I had to get reading. When I was gifted my dream of writing my very own parenting book earlier this year, the reading of so many parenting books followed. My brain hurts, but I’m also thrilled to see so much awesome guidance out there that I swear didn’t exist my first few years of parenting. (It probably did, but I was so tired!)
So, why waste all those hundreds of pages, hours, and brain cells on just me and writing my parenting book? I realized this is the perfect opportunity to share the wisdom by curating a list for the also tired parent you likely are. I hope that this round up at the end of 2021 can help you prioritize and decide where to expend your precious reading energy in 2022. I consider myself fairly critical of parenting guidance, as evidenced by my whole 2021 mission to launch a fresh perspective, Parent First Parenting, into the parenting guidance universe. In line with this mission, be assured that the only books to make this list include relatable, compassionate, non-judgmental, thoughtful, useful, practical, and -- super important to me – science-backed guidance.
Caveat: I am only sharing books I (mostly) read. There are plenty of great ones on my TBR list that would probably make the cut if I had actually read them!
Fresh 2021 Arrivals
Mom Brain, Ilyse Dobrow DiMarco, Ph.D. (2021)
Geared toward new mothers and mothers of children 0-5, but relevant for many experiences across the motherhood lifespan, Dobrow DiMarco blends humility with science and encouragement to normalize what can feel so abnormal (like how our brains literally change when we become mothers), and also empower readers with strategies galore. The subtitle captures what she delivers: “Proven strategies to fight the anxiety, guilt, and overwhelming emotions of motherhood—and relax into your new self.”
Thrivers, Michele Borba, Ed.D. (2021)
Author of the bestseller, Unselfie, and a multitude of other parenting books, Borba brings 40 years of experience in parenting and education to unpack how to help our children find health and happiness. I borrowed this book from a friend at the beginning of summer, and haven’t been able to give it back because it holds so much wisdom. What stood out most to me were the quoted interviews from kids about how much they feel their parents see their worth as defined by academic success. Parents with high-striving, over-achieving tendencies would get a lot out of this read.
How to Raise Kids Who Aren’t Assholes, Melinda Wenner Moyer (2021)
A science writer by trade, Wenner Moyer takes on research across multiple areas of parenting to answer her title question: how do we raise kids who aren’t jerks? In our current culture of disconnection and online toxicity, this feels like an especially relevant question. She takes on formative parenting dilemmas including sibling relationships, screen time, racism, and sexism, and injects balanced information into emotionally charged topics.
Hunt, Gather, Parent, Michaeleen Doucleff (2021)
Although Doucleff fills this book with parenting tips and practical guidance, what felt most revolutionary to me was the exploration of several indigenous cultures, far, FAR, from the Western approaches to parenting. The impact of generations of approaching childhood and the parent role so differently from Western industrialized cultures was eye-opening and thought-provoking. I mean, there’s a whole culture where anger just doesn’t happen, even when a child rambunctiously knocks hot coffee onto an adult. I found it a refreshing way to re-think culture-based norms and assumptions, and strangely validating why parenting can feel so hard in Western cultures.
Age Specific
The Tantrum Survival Guide, Rebecca Schrag Hershberg, Ph.D. (2019)
The only part I didn’t like about this book is that it came out when I was almost done with early childhood parenting. I wish SO MUCH I had had it during the peak tantrum years. Fortunately (?), children do have their emotional explosions at later ages, so there are still useful take-aways for parents of older children. But I promise, this should be every toddler and preschooler parent’s bible, and Hershberg manages the perfect recipe of relatable, funny, realistic, science-based, encouraging, empowering guidance. Chef’s kiss, mwah!
Middle School Matters, Phyllis Fagell, LCPC (2019)
Motivated by my own entry into parenting a middle-schooler this year, this one especially resonated. Fagell writes from the wise, unenviable experience as a middle school counselor. She really, really gets these 6th-8th grade kids (probably more than I ever will). Fagell covers four huge topics: Values and Integrity, Social Skills, Learning, and Empowerment and Resilience. I actually read this the same time I was reading Thrivers, and they nicely complemented each other. As required for this list, Fagell mixes real on-the-job (and her own parenting) experiences with the research and interviews with experts, to build a nice bridge between research and the real world.
Parenting Library Must-Haves
How to be a Happier Parent, KJ Dell’Antonia (2018)
This read actually did make me a happier parent – partially because Dell’Antonia is hilarious, so reading it was one of the most pleasurable experiences I’ve had in reading a parenting book. But it also addressed some of the nitty gritty of real-life parenting that the genre typically doesn’t touch, like the opening chapter, “Mornings Are the Worst.” Dell’Antonia integrates science and real parent experiences in a way that leaves her “advice” as more “choose what works for you” rather than the traditionally prescriptive, “this is how you should do it.” She takes on chores, siblings, sports/activities, homework, screens, discipline, family time, and “on-demand” fun (vacations, holidays, birthdays) for a wide-ranging take on how to make daily family life better.
The Gift of Failure, Jessica Lahey (2015)
I read this a couple years ago, but the over-arching message has stuck, even in my complete sieve for a brain. Truly, I read so many books that I forget most of what I read because my brain quickly sorts information for survival and discards the rest. But I recommend this one to parents struggling with over-parenting, especially when it comes to fear of their child’s academic failure, because of the crystal-clear conclusion: let them fail. It has influenced my own passion to add to this parenting guidance to help us all back off so our kids can fail, learn, and then succeed.
How to Raise an Adult, Julie Lythcott-Haims (2016)
This fits like the perfect jigsaw puzzle piece next to The Gift of Failure. Former Stanford Dean of Freshman, Lythcott-Haims, takes on intensive parenting, motivated by the college undergraduates she encounters (at Stanford nonetheless) who are completely unprepared for the world. This book is CHOCK-FULL of research and parenting tips to not only lay the groundwork for why “there’s a better way to parent,” but exactly how. One of my favorite chapter titles is “Have a wider mind-set about colleges.” This might help address the risks that Borba and Fagell see in younger teens around academic pressure. Symbiosis.
Coming in 2022!
My book, Parenting for Autonomy, may not be coming out until 2023, but I’ll be done writing it next year. I already have so much to share from reading dozens of scientific studies and hundreds of pages of psychological theories about autonomy-supportive parenting. A couple sneak peeks: I have had to ask myself, “Am I seeing my children for who I think they are, who I want them to be, or who they actually are?” I have also had to reckon with being a bit more controlling as a parent than I would have thought . . . which I have learned is mightily important to work on! Once I opened my eyes to it, I can see opportunities for — and threats to — nurturing our children’s authentic selves all around us.
Autonomy-supportive parenting is the hidden gem of science-based parenting guidance that hasn’t fully broken into the mainstream (although hints have appeared in recent books), and I’m here to do it! So, even before publication, as I put all of this theory and research into practice every day while raising my three children, I want to share all the goodness. Stay tuned.
Keep reading, but only the best of course. Because who has time for the rest?
**You can pre-order my book Autonomy-Supportive Parenting: Reduce Parental Burnout and Raise Competent, Confident Children on Amazon and Bookshop.