Be assured that the only parenting books to make this list include relatable, compassionate, non-judgmental, thoughtful, useful, practical, and -- super important to me – science-backed guidance.

Let’s add some calm, confidence, and reason back into our angst by answering these questions: 1. What do we really know from parenting science? 2. How do we spot the “fake parenting news?” 3. What’s true for my child and family?

The danger of our modern parenting culture is that the worries and over-analysis can turn into a noisy traffic jam in our brains, paralyzing us and stressing us out. Hint: the more stressed we are, the more controlling we usually become.
How we promote calm and wellness in our parenting selves comes back to balance. How? Let go of what is likely unhelpful worries (eg, your 3-year-old who doesn’t want to potty train will eventually use the toilet), to better focus your energies.

I will spare you the scientific definitions of psychological flexibility, and offer one that fits our parenting worlds: flexibility means adapting to the present moment when things aren’t going well. Instead of sticking to our own ideas of what should or must happen, we can shift our thinking and behaviors to better meet the moment, and our child.

I have seen recent parenting approaches vilifying some forms of discipline, leaving parents adrift, contemplating “do I even try and discipline my kids?” As long as we stay focused on the ultimate why of discipline as teaching our children, however, the what and how involves a constant experiment of what works, with which child, at which age. As part of my parent first parenting approach, this blog post continues the beat of the drum that we all need to figure out what works best in our own families. It’s not about the tool or strategy itself as much as it’s about the fit with your child and family.

As I am a complete human being all on my own, and do not need the constant company of my children to be whole, I have had to figure out boundaries between us. How can I be the connected, available, supportive mother I value, while also being the rest of me? If there’s anything I’ve learned as a mother, it’s that being one can become all-consuming. If I let it. And for the sake of my wellness and being the kind of mother I want to be, I need boundaries.

In this blog post, I explore the benefits of parenting with emotional authenticity, including why we should all be expressing instead of repressing, the role of yelling, and allowing rather than avoiding conflict,. When we support emotional authenticity in these ways, we give ourselves the gift of less pressure in parenting, and make way for our children to find the their own authentic selves.

When we worry about our children and wonder if they need professional support, it is often hard to discern when to take the next step. When is a tantrum no longer a normal toddler outburst? When are problems falling asleep more than “just a phase?” What kind of pre-teen emotional explosions are par for the developmental course, and what may signify a deeper problem?

When do we shift from an acceptance life approach to a fixing approach? When do we know how we are doing is in fact not “good enough,” and we need to strive for change? When we are drowning, when we have hit and surpassed burnout, when we are not the human or parent we know we can be, or want to be. When we are suffering, it’s time for change.

The value of admitting to yourself that you do not like aspects of your child, or wish they were different in some way, is that this acceptance paves the way to less resistance to your truth. Resisting less then opens you up to addressing an uncomfortable truth in healthier ways, all in service of a healthier relationship with your child. How many of our kids have breezily announced they wish they had a different mom? They are allowed to wish we are different, express it, and move on.

If you practice acceptance of yourself as a real (not ideal) parent, stop judging negative thoughts and feelings as indicators you are a “bad parent,” if you embrace your humanity as a parent, you are the “good enough” parent your children need. Now you just need to accept it.

Are we projecting an impossible ideal of parenting perfection onto our children – for them to also be perfect, to represent to the world that we are good parents? So, what if there are problems? What is a person without problems? Our child may develop depression and anxiety, or an addiction, or be insecure, or reckless. They may partner up with someone who is mean to them, or struggle to figure out a professional path. Are we to blame this all on ourselves as parents, or is this part of LIFE?

With the expanded knowledge and awareness about children’s emotional and behavioral health, chances are that at some point in your parenting journey, you may need professional support. If in doubt, even scheduling an evaluation with a mental health professional can either give you peace of mind, or move you toward getting the help your child needs. So, even as we should work on accepting that what counts as “normal” is wide and diverse, I hope we can also accept that needing help at some points along the way has also become more and more normal.

Parenting will never be simple, but what we focus on can be. Even as we struggle with HOW to set limits as an authoritative parent, we keep trying within the context of connecting with our children. Even when we spend a few days away from our baby to stay psychologically afloat, we know our attachment can withstand the break. Even after regrettable interactions where we weren’t our best selves, we give hugs and apologies and know not only how much we love them, but that they still love us.

You can read and re-read this post (and the next one, part 2) when you feel overwhelmed by it all. When it feels impossible to use all the strategies. When your family’s basic survival is all that matters. When you just want to reassure yourself that what you are doing is good enough. It probably is.

We work more, parent more, and stress more than any previous generation of parents, and it has ramifications for our health, physical and mental. It’s too much, and we are crumbling under the pressures. These ramifications trickle down to negatively affect our children. We need to change the universe of modern parenting guidance to be more compassionate and realistic, supporting us so we can more fully support our children. When we are better, our children do better.

I have heard from too many that too often we feel like failures after reading a parenting book, or unsuccessfully piloting new parenting strategies with an unreceptive audience (our children).