How to Accept Our Parenting Selves: "Good Enough"

Apr 5

The Acceptance Principle, Part 1

Pandemic parenting has translated to a substantial increase in time I spend playing one-on-one with my hilarious, talented, creative, spirited 6-year-old son. I finally said aloud to my husband, “I’m bored when I play with my kid, and I’m not going to feel badly about it.” Maybe I felt an itty bit badly, which is why I had to say it to my husband for some validation. But I pretty much meant it.

I love my son AND I feel bored playing with him. I treasure good time together AND that does not include playing “trap me with these random materials so I can’t get out.” I have the one kid who does not want to play Roblox or scroll endlessly through YouTube to kill time; he wants to play with Mommy.

Accept It

It only took me about a decade to help myself by linking a big piece of what I do in therapy with my parenting. I follow a framework known as Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), which in the world of psychological treatment, focuses on living a quality life according to one’s values, with symptoms/problems rather than the traditional approach of reducing and eliminating symptoms/problems. Since a large part of my therapy work includes life stress that is not going away, like a chronic medical condition, it’s a great fit. In parenting, our children are not going away (and we actually don’t want them to, but maybe just for a few hours), but more accurately, the parenting stress is here for the long haul so we may as well figure out the best way to manage it so we can lead fulfilling, satisfying lives with it.

The “acceptance” part of ACT does not equate to “giving up” or resigning ourselves to a certain, undesirable reality. It means shifting our perspective of that reality. An example is how we think about the increasingly common “symptom” of anxiety. Even the act of viewing anxiety as a constant companion to acknowledge yet not allow to be in charge, instead of “getting rid of it,” diffuses its power.

Hand in hand with the concept of acceptance is understanding the opposing force, resistance. When we resist, it strengthens whatever experience we are trying to get rid of (think of the classic “don’t think about a pink elephant” example). Research on chronic pain, for example, shows that using guided imagery targeting the pain as a way to lean into the unpleasantness provides more relief than the automatic response of clenching and tightening around the pain epicenter. As a form of resisting, clenching and tightening fights against the pain, making it worse. Kind of like trying to talk your toddler out of a tantrum always makes it worse.

What does this have to do with parenting?

Can we all admit parenting causes a fair amount of pain? Most of the time it’s not physical, although those early years of sleep deprivation are definitely a form of torture. But, between the constant assault of guilt, the relentless daily grind of combining working and parenting, and all of the mundane in between moments of joy, it can be painful. We have probably all heard about the many surveys showing that parents are less happy than non-parents. (LOTS of caveats to these, but the point is we are stressed.)

“Self-compassion in parenting means extending support and kindness toward yourself, and talking back to the inner critic about not being ‘good enough,’ because you are building the belief that you are.”

The problem lies when we become so focused on the perspective that we are falling short, in the day-to-day and big picture. When we get stuck here, we can end up in a downward spiral of shame and self-blame, which by all scientific and common-sense conclusions, is not helpful.

The shame comes from a potpourri of sources, mostly originating from social and cultural messages about parenting ideals, and more specifically, the pedestal of motherhood. A complete fantasy unrooted in reality. We *should* be completely self-sacrificing for our children. We *should* be gentle and calm. All the time. We *should* be nurturing. All the time. We *should* sublimate our needs to our partner and children. Essentially, we *should* serve as the blank canvas where everyone else can figure out their self-portraits. These statements may sound exaggerated, but I think they ring true at some level for many of us.

I could write a thesis on the misplacement of self-blame, especially in certain cultures, with American at the apex. I hope the pandemic has chipped away at the misconception that we as individuals are to blame for being stressed out parents who yell too much. Systems fail families, plain and simple. From the tradition of terrible parental leave (if any), to unaffordable yet poor/medium quality child care, to barbaric sick day policies, our country does not support parents and families. Yet, we continue to blame ourselves for not being good enough, for somehow failing to make it work or “have it all.” For losing our patience. For not being gentle, calm, and nurturing. All the time.

Shame and self-blame shut us down and feed self-criticism, all bad for psychological well-being, obviously. It’s like dieting culture – when you deprive, deprive, deprive and then break down into a bowl of chocolate and French fries, the shame and self-blame can cause a spiral of emotional eating, making you feel even worse and upset with yourself. (For the record, I’m against dieting for many, many reasons, so I’m not suggesting you stay away from chocolate and fries.)

What Do We Do About It? ACT for Parents

While writing this post, I discovered entire books and curricula exist about Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) for parents, so consider this an abbreviated introduction of strategies. I hope you read this post, walk away with some tools you can use today, and then access other resources as you have time and energy.

Ideal v. Real

Knowledge in the form of self-awareness is power. Ask yourself: Do you know who your ideal parenting self is? Who do you think you should be as a parent? Examples: “I should never yell at my children. I should know what to do when my kids act up. I should always want to be with them.”

Articulating these beliefs may help you better understand your own negative thoughts and emotions, like guilt after yelling, inadequacy during an out-of-control tantrum, or shame about daydreams of escaping those adorable yet needy cherubs.

Then, ask yourself, who do you think you actually are as a parent? Remember that how you see yourself may not be how others see you. I would have answered, “I yell too much and am too impatient as a parent.” My kids surprised me when they rated my yelling at a 2 on a 0-10 yelling scale (yes, 10 as the most yelling). Who is your mother, my children?

Strangely, this realization that my children do not view me as a yelling monster has helped me stay calm more often. This shift in perspective (getting out of my head and checking the reality of what my head was telling me) helped me act more in line with my values as a parent.

The process of realizing and challenging beliefs can help us narrow that gap between ideal and real to promote our psychological health. Is your “ideal” parenting self realistic or a set-up for feeling inadequate? Are there ways to re-define your “ideal” parenting self in more realistic ways, guided by your values as a parent? (Example: Being a 0 on the yelling scale isn’t going to happen; a 2 is pretty good and I’ll take it.)

Mindfulness

Mindfulness has been shown as highly effective in alleviating depression and anxiety, so why not parenting stress? Mindfulness is an expansive approach to life with an array of strategies, but two key mindfulness tools you can start using now are non-judgmental acceptance of thoughts and emotions, and meditation.

1. Non-judgmental acceptance: When you have a negative thought about your child or your parenting, remind yourself “a thought is just a thought.” I can think, “I don’t want to pick up my kids from daycare; I just want to drive home and have a night by myself.” That thought does not translate into actually abandoning my children to be picked up by child protection social workers! It’s a thought, and allowing ourselves to have it may give us just the ounce of relief we need to walk through those daycare doors. It does not make us a “bad mom.”

When I feel bored playing “trap me” with my son, I don’t have to judge myself for it. Do I love him less? No. Am I neglecting him? No. I’m playing with him, while feeling bored. No judgment. Just a feeling.

Challenge: Identify a parenting related thought and/or emotion you feel badly about and challenge yourself to practice non-judgmental acceptance.

2. Meditation is a technique that helps build mindfulness muscles in our brains. I have hailed the benefits before, but they are worth repeating: science shows that meditation changes our brains and nervous systems to be less reactive. Seriously, I speak from experience; it helps us stay calmer in the storms of parenting. Quickie selling points:

A few minutes a day is enough. Start small to get used to it, but even 10 minutes a day makes change.
If you just can’t sit with a guided or breathing meditation, figuring out what puts you in an absorbed state (“the zone”) still helps the brain (eg, yoga, art, NOT social media scrolling). Simply finding a “meditative state” is helpful.
Modeling. Wouldn’t it be great if your kids were also less reactive? They are more likely to give meditation a chance if they see you use it and hear you believe in it. My sleep-resistant son now does a sleep meditation nightly; my daughters both have meditation apps on their phones. Regardless of how much they use it, making meditation a norm is a gift to last them a lifetime.

Self-Compassion

Practicing self-compassion not only feels good, it can counteract long-held patterns of perfectionism. (Ask me how I know.) Whether or not you consider yourself a perfectionist, I believe we exist in a culture of expecting parenting perfection, so combating that is an important step toward a psychologically healthier parenting self. Some main ingredients of self-compassion include:

Treating ourselves with the support and understanding we would give a close friend.
Being gentle with ourselves when we make mistakes.
Silencing the inner critic, which gets plenty of volume from social and cultural messages, especially about what makes a “good mother.” In fact, one strategy is to acknowledge a thought with, “that’s cultural messaging, and not actually true.”

My own culturally sanctioned mom fails have included selling the least Girl Scout cookie boxes (as the troop’s “cookie captain” by the way), saving all the “room parent” tasks until the very last-minute, wishing my kids could feel easier to raise, and being fine with sending all three of my babies to daycare. Really, I didn’t worry about them being safe and healthy, I was fine with it. (Admitting this feels socially blasphemous somehow.)

But what I say to myself is hopefully what you would say to me, and then to yourself for your own internalized missteps: “You are showing up for your kids. That’s what they remember; not being last on the cookie selling list or late room parent emails, or crying when you walked away from them at daycare. They remember getting picked up at the end of the day, being part of Girl Scouts, and seeing you at their class parties.” Self-compassion in parenting means extending support and kindness toward yourself, and talking back to the inner critic about not being “good enough,” because you are building the belief that you are.

Good Enough

If you make mistakes, if you worry about how your parenting affects your kids, if you have made decisions you later regretted, you are a “good parent.” If you have moments daydreaming about what it would be like without kids, if you have a tough mealtime/bathtime/bedtime (or many), if you feel like you can’t watch one more Peppa Pig episode, or listen to one more Minecraft analysis, you are a “good parent.”

If you practice acceptance of yourself as a real (not ideal) parent, stop judging negative thoughts and feelings as indicators you are a “bad parent,” if you embrace your humanity as a parent, you are the “good enough” parent your children need. Now you just need to accept it.