Who Are We Trying to Raise? Beyond “Happy and Healthy”

The Perspective Principle, Part 2

What does it mean to “succeed” in parenting?

What does that young adult look like?

Do we consider ourselves that person who was “successfully” raised?

Do we think our parents did as awesome as we are aiming to do? (Mine did of course, Hi Mom and Dad!)

I have yet to meet a grown adult who does not describe some level of family dysfunction. I mean, we all joke about it, right? We tell cringe-worthy stories about family get-togethers and nod in agreement with the simple explanation, “It’s family.”

Family relationships have never NOT been complicated. So, what exactly are we expecting to happen if we just “get it right” in our parenting? Are we projecting an impossible ideal of parenting perfection onto our children – for them to also be perfect, to represent to the world that we are good parents? That sounds like a recipe for serious disappointment, blame, and shame.

So, what if there are problems? What is a person without problems? Our child may develop depression and anxiety, or an addiction, or be insecure, or reckless. They may partner up with someone who is mean to them, or struggle to figure out a professional path. Are we to blame this all on ourselves as parents, or is this part of LIFE?

“If we are trying as parents to raise children with the sheen of being problem-free, it’s a failed mission from the start. ”

As a psychologist, mother, and recovering perfectionist, I worry about all of us in this modern era of parenting. I worry that with the combustible mix of (mis)information saturation, impossible expectations for running a child-centered family while working a capitalist-centered job, our own stress and anxiety off the charts compared to generations of parents before us, that our very intentions of always doing and being the best may instead cause more problems. And that was before a global pandemic.

I propose some actionable steps to shift our parenting perspective and help raise our children with wellness rather than so-called success as the ultimate goal. What if we replace “happy” with “content,” and prioritize our relationship and their resilience over “positive outcomes?” What if we accept that we all have issues and lean into it instead of resist it?

What kind of children do you want to raise?

Without thinking, many of us would probably echo the (hollow) refrain: we want to raise “happy and healthy” children. What does that really mean?

Does “healthy” mean no medical conditions and no mental health symptoms? If our child has either or both, does that mean we failed? (I really hope you say No.) As a psychologist who specializes in children with medical conditions, their parents do not need “healthy” as an outcome to define their parenting. I also argue that “Happy” is a total set-up. Happiness is a transient emotion just like all other emotions that are temporary states of being, not a permanent trait. Aiming to be a “happy” person risks a chronic sense of inadequacy, and an unhealthy repression of the full range of emotions.

The phrase “positive toxicity” has recently been making the rounds in popular media. After working closely with death and dying for years, I can attest that our American culture is terrible at tolerating and accepting difficult emotions. We want to cheer them away with pithy responses that ultimately dismiss a person’s pain, because we are uncomfortable ourselves.

There’s no way this does not infiltrate our parenting as we want to rescue our children from their own emotional suffering. But in our well-intentioned focus on happiness, possibly even seeing our children’s happiness as a reflection of our parenting success, we ironically set up our children for more emotional problems.

I suggest we aim instead for “content.” What if we shifted to helping our children develop a sense of contentedness with life and themselves? This does not preclude striving and growing, and is not the same as “complacent” (quite looked down on in some cultures, I can hear the parent protests now). Drawing from Buddhist philosophy, what if everything is okay as it is right now, imperfections and all? It will change anyways as there is no greater truism than “everything is temporary.” As elements of mindfulness, these ways of thinking are helpful in reducing stress and anxiety, so it’s not a leap to think these ways of thinking would help reduce our parental stress and anxiety.

Process over Outcome

The concept of focusing on process over outcome has become popular with the growth mindset movement, pioneered by Carol Dweck. There is plenty of evidence showing that children benefit from attention to their effort on a project, for example, instead of their grade. Young athletes perform better with less parent pressure on performance, and more encouragement on the process of enjoying their sport.

Could we apply this to parenting? Instead of getting caught up in anxiety about who our children will eventually be in this world, what if we focused on the process of building our relationships with them? Research consistently shows the limits of parents’ influence in a child’s ultimate identity; they come with their own design, which we can nurture but not re-program. In other words, I think we can let a lot of stuff go.

I have seen estimates that as many as 2/3 of children do not match well with the traditional school structure (unfortunately, I can’ t find the source, but even if it’s not this high, there is a sizeable subset of children who do not fit well with school). Whether it’s their individual way of learning or environmental deficits like lack of school resources, many children do not flourish in standard school settings. If you happen to have one of those kids, focusing on how you support your child with the mismatch instead of pushing for straight A’s is an example of prioritizing the process of relating with your child over the outcome of your child being an excellent student.  

No one could disagree that living through a pandemic as a family has been a process, capital P, with an unclear outcome. As we round the corner (hopefully), I get tearful thinking of how much my children have changed over this time, and how very close I feel to them. After the brutal months of remote learning, no breaks from each other, and grief over loss of regular life (and a trip to Disney World), it’s taking me by surprise how connected I feel. In our pandemic hibernation, the relationships became everything, which I hope can stay the blueprint for our post-pandemic lives. My 6-year-old may have forgotten how to function in a classroom, but he has gained self-confidence and pride in his magician skills. I realize more than ever how time-limited his sweet hugs and kisses for Mama may be.

The “R” Word

COVID19 has certainly wreaked havoc, but it also may have given us a golden opportunity to redefine success in parenting. We have had to release some of our most tightly held symbols of success, as we accept universal academic lag, and have missed entire athletic seasons. It has shifted parenting priorities to the components of the R word: Resilience.

Even I am tired of talking about childhood resilience by now, but the part that bears repetition is the ultimate importance of supporting our children through developing life skills instead of reaching so-called achievements. What has become so clear is that “positive outcomes” in raising children means they can face challenges in life with confidence and competence. Instead of chalking up parent success to our children’s lack of bad things happening, success is how our children respond to these bad things.

As an example, my 3 children had a string of disappointments a few weeks ago that I predicted would devastate them (back-to-back unpredictable changes in childcare). When they did not appear upset, they explained very rationally how they coped with it, and I saw how managing the unpredictability of COVID life for the past year has made a big difference in the R-word for each of them.

We All Have Issues

Years before actual parenthood, I knew what kind of children I would raise. (Didn’t you?) As a lifetime overachiever and perfectionist, of course I just had to work hard enough and I would be an excellent mother with excellent children. I myself was the definition of an “easy” child. Well-behaved, easygoing, hard worker, natural learner; I remember my parents’ friends asking for the guidebook on how exactly they raised me so they could use it for their own children.

This narrative leaves out some important details, of course, like my stomachaches and headaches from a young age, a lifetime of problems sleeping, and generally a kid and teenager wound tight on the inside with a deceptively calm demeanor, who finally started working on unwinding in her 20s. I’m still working on it.

My point is we human beings are complicated and no one alive does not carry a set of their own “issues.” If we are trying as parents to raise children with the sheen of being problem-free, it’s a failed mission from the start.

By traditional markers, I had a “good” childhood: no trauma, connected parents, financial stability, good schools, enough friends, a safe home. Also, my loving and nurturing parents separated for 5 years during my early childhood. Not surprisingly, because they are human, they have their own imperfect quirks which shall remain nameless out of respect. They also could not devote all their time and attention to me. As a small business owner, my dad had to take work calls during family vacations; my mom worked evenings as a family therapist, leaving weeknight meals to my father’s non-culinary capabilities (translation: a fair amount of fast food — gasp!). In short, lots of real life happening and less than ideal circumstances. And as they say, “I turned out okay.” But, really, I did.

The New “Happy and Healthy”

As a therapist, I have learned the value of seeing myself walking next to people on their journeys of learning and growing, offering support, but not walking ahead trying to pull them with my illusion of superior knowledge. As my children age from diaper-dependent toddlers to pre-teens forming their own mysterious inner lives, I am realizing I need to do the same side-by-side walking with them too. I can be a guide and a coach in my role as mother, but they are who they are, with their own flaws (and amazing strengths) that I need to love instead of try to erase or fix.

Because forming a relationship with them based on love without strings attached, instilling their own sense of worth in this world regardless of challenges, and building confidence that they can handle whatever life throws at them, is my definition of truly “happy and healthy.” That is who I am trying to raise, and will consider a parenting success.