Yoga-Informed Parenting?
The Flexibility Principle
I was about 8 weeks postpartum after my third (and final) baby when I started daily workouts with my husband in our basement. Regular exercise had been a part of my life since high school and, shockingly, raising children had disrupted that. So, I committed to regaining this loss of my former life, with the partnership and accountability of my husband.
The girls watched TV upstairs while my husband, baby, and I spread out in the basement. At times, I had to stop and nurse, because of course his eating schedule was also “flexible.” As he progressed from newborn to crawler to walker, we would burpee and plank around his toys and tiny body, and there were times where I just had to call it and feed or soothe him.
But we persisted. Against my perfectionism nature of the perfect environment for the perfect workout. Instead of giving it up because it couldn’t be what I wanted, I did it in subpar conditions to get it done at all. As you can guess, this daily workout experience landed far from the high-energy, motivational vibe of kickboxing to Justin Timberlake remixes.
Parenting helped me discover that my easygoing nature masked a rigidity that is often incompatible with being a mother. In some ways, it has been helpful, like sticking to naps and early bedtimes in the early years. If my husband and I have accomplished nothing else in our family life, it is that my children know what to expect in their daily routines. I mean, our kids keep the same bedtimes in summer, and this past July 4th was the first time everyone stayed up for fireworks. Great at structure and routines! Also, rigid and inflexible.
“Instead of sticking to our own ideas of what should or must happen, we can shift our thinking and behaviors to better meet the moment, and our child. ”
Meanwhile, there is a journal article titled, Psychological Flexibility as a Fundamental Aspect of Health. Swap out “parenting” for “health,” and these 30 pages of dry science have a lot to do with my daily life as a parent. In fact, much of my frustration could likely be traced back to a lack of flexibility – like when my dynamic, mercurial children do not act in line with what I expect. Which is like always, so I’m finally getting the hint that I need to work on my own expectations instead of their behavior (much of the time, but also their behavior needs work too because they are developing, learning, growing children).
If you have tried yoga, you know how flexibility can vary from pose to pose, day to day, and person to person. Similarly, we parent on a continuum of flexibility each day, depending on stress levels and our personal baseline flexibility, and even our child’s mood and behavior that day. What’s not important is if we can do a headstand or not (me = not), but that we keep showing up on that mat, continuously striving for more flexibility.
Flexibility in Parenting: What and Why?
I will spare you the scientific definitions of psychological flexibility, and offer one that fits our parenting worlds: flexibility means adapting to the present moment when things aren’t going well. Instead of sticking to our own ideas of what should or must happen, we can shift our thinking and behaviors to better meet the moment, and our child.
Why? Well, the opposite, rigidity and inflexibility, leads to controlling behaviors, which can cause all kinds of problems (a child pushing against our control, yelling on both sides). Bringing flexibility to difficult moments with our children not only helps us get to the other side with less conflict and tension, but it enriches our relationship with our child, and models excellent skills for their healthy development.
I confess that one night, in a moment of pre-bedtime exhaustion and no more left to give, I asked my 4-year-old son, “why can’t you be more flexible?” Well, because he’s 4, and he’s still learning. What I failed to realize was the real culprit of inflexibility: me.
Flexibility does not mean indulgence and permissiveness! (Not good for kids, either; they need limits.) Flexibility means we flex how we are relating to our child around the limits, and look for other ways to think and respond when hitting a dead end.
Expectations, Meet Reality: The Power of Flexible Thinking
As much as I know I should not use “shoulds” in life or parenting, I do it all the time.
“My 7-year-old should be able to fall asleep on his own and stay in his room all night.”
“My 9 and 11-year-olds should be able to keep their room clean and regularly remove food-encrusted dishes from its corners.”
“I should know how to get my children to sleep well and clean up after themselves.”
The should-ing gets us in trouble because we become hooked by a fantasy that makes reality that much more difficult to manage. A child’s development (and each one’s will be different so be cautious in comparing siblings) is a parent’s greatest opportunity and challenge to tune in to managing expectations.
When their actions do not match our expectations, it helps to remind ourselves to be flexible. We can ask ourselves: Is what I expect not matching what my child can do, or needs, right now? If we engage flexible thinking to reset expectations, reduced tension and conflict likely follow.
For example, compared to my older two children who craved independence and alone time from young ages, my youngest has long shown a preference for having company during tasks and play. So, even though he can brush his teeth by himself every night (he does so every morning), I finally replaced my push for him to do it on his own because he should, with being next to him as he does it because I realized what he wants isn’t help, but connection. This flexible thinking helped me shift my behavior for a more harmonious pre-bedtime moment.
Remember my subpar exercise conditions? We also need to reset expectations for ourselves, not just our children. Try to think flexibly about what we expect from our parenting (“I don’t have it in me today to battle about screen time; we will survive”). Ask yourself, Is what I’m expecting from me today not matching what I can do, or need, right now? This sensitivity to our own needs, and self-compassion, gives us the emotional fuel we need to then also be more flexible in response to our children. It’s a loopity-loop of flexibility!
Reading a New Parenting Book? Trying a New Strategy? The Power of Flexible Action
As I work on writing my first parenting book, the amount of other parenting books I’m reading might be unraveling me. A glimpse into my brain while I read:
“I’ve been doing this all wrong. How do I fix it?”
“That will never work with my kids.”
“What have I done?????”
“How can I be a Mayan parent, and undo all that Western civilization has taught me about parenting?”
I regularly counsel parents to remember the importance of tailoring any parenting strategy to their child and family, yet I too fall prey to the promises of universal parenting approaches that will surely steer my family ship in a better direction. I greatly appreciated listening to Melinda Wenner Moyer in an interview recently about her new book (on my TBR list), “How to Raise Kids Who Aren’t Assholes.” Despite the research on the downfalls of rewards, for example, she advises a nuanced approach in the real world of parenting. No matter how compelling the guidance and advice seem, absolutism is rarely the answer, and what you know about your child and family matters.
Parenting books and approaches abound (I feel like I’m reading all of them). It’s important to use your expertise about your family to discern what makes sense and what doesn’t, and go from there. As one who constantly strives to learn and grow in my role as mother, I recommend openness and curiosity about ways to approach parenting differently that could truly improve life, but to also give yourself permission to move on when it doesn’t feel like a fit. My take-home points when trying new parenting strategies at home:
Be open and curious about ways to tweak parenting to better meet your needs, your child’s development and growth, and your family’s well-being.
Be flexible that you may need to employ a new strategy a bit differently from the universal advice.
Be flexible that other factors, like your child’s temperament and way of operating, may influence how well something new lands.
Making it to the Mat
Even in years of approximating one 30-minute yoga session a week, I cannot do the crow pose (crouched down with hands on floor, knees allegedly close to armpits, and then supposedly lift feet of floor – nope!). But the effort of stretching and pushing my body has still helped me be healthier. The act of showing up by getting out the mat and setting aside time has mattered for my overall well-being. Even if it’s not perfectly done under perfect conditions.
When I meet a difficult moment with my child (um, lots of opportunities), taking some deep yoga breaths, and picturing my brain and behavior being as flexible as I’m pushing my body to be on the mat, helps me be flexible all the way around.
And as much as we can all stretch and grow as parents, it’s also okay to never quite get each and every pose. Be flexible with your flexibility, each and every day, and you will not only be nurturing your own resilience, but your child’s.