How Much Control Do We Really Have as Parents?
The Control Principle
My husband and I sat in a circle of parents, each of us dwarfing the child-size chairs not meant for our bodies, and listened to our son’s preschool teacher. It was open house night and we were there to learn more about policies, curriculum, etc. As the teacher rattled through the Montessori practices and what we parents can do, I felt us both wanting to shrink, and not just to fit better on the chairs.
The teacher hailed the virtue of independence, pleading with the parents to not carry our children into the classroom, or put on their shoes for them. Our son insists we do both of these things daily. Someone asked about naptime policies (kids don’t have to sleep, but they need to stay on their cots in dark quiet). “We just can’t have kids walking around the room, pulling up blinds . . .” (That was our son.)
While one mother asked about how to help her (preschool) child with multiplication at home, and the teacher talked about the 3-year-olds reading books in class, I envisioned our son eagerly tracing lower case letters as he learns the alphabet. We left feeling as if the whole hour was a referendum on our poor parenting. Were we ruining our son by putting on his shoes for him and accepting his letter-tracing skills as acceptable preschool academic achievement?
WEIRD Parenting
I have recently dived into the anthropology of parenting to better understand how we have gotten to where we are today with parenting guidance. I spit out my lukewarm coffee when anthropologist David Lancy said during a podcast interview, “attachment is the biggest parenting con and myth.” He explained that many cultures around the world do not ascribe to what has been called “the cult of motherhood.” In these cultures, the mother feeds the infant, but her other work is deemed so necessary, the bulk of daily caregiving falls to older siblings, grandparents, and the community in general.
In what anthropologists have termed studies of Western Educated Industrialized Rich Democratic (WEIRD) populations, we have assumed WEIRD parenting is the norm. Meanwhile, cross-cultural parenting research laughs at the absurdity of this version of “normal.”
Stepping outside of the tunnel of our culturally-normed view begs the question: do we as parents really matter that much? In our WEIRD society, let’s admit we like control. We like the idea of having it, even when it’s often an illusion. If we elevate our roles of parents as substantially affecting how our children turn out, then we have more control, right? But do we, or is it all a mirage? Do we even want all that control, real or imagined?
Much of the parenting self-help industry thrives off of the assumption that we matter quite a bit, down to specific words we use and viewing each interaction through the lens of building a lifelong relationship (no pressure). To dial down this pressure and overwhelm, it may be tempting at times to believe we don’t matter. What a relief it would be to stop over-analyzing every decision and interaction. On the other hand, this is really hard emotional and physical work. and it would be demoralizing to feel like it’s for nothing. So, what’s the verdict?
Since the “parents matter a lot” belief dominates our WEIRD culture, I looked at the genesis of this “parents don’t matter” line of thinking, the research behind it, and took a step back to use plain old common sense to contemplate the question of how much control we really have as parents.
Do We Have Control? What Research Tells Us
We can blame psychologists and psychiatrists for placing the onus on us, well mothers, to be exact. Famously, Freud linked cold and aloof mothering to autism and schizophrenia, without any scientific evidence (obviously). Theories of personality and childhood development abounded, again some with little research to actually back up theories that sounded enticing.
“If we feel less pressure about how much our parenting really matters, we might even act less controlling, which in turn increases the good kind of control in our child – confidence in their skills and a sense of mastery over their development of self. ”
This set the scene in 1998 for a controversial argument by psychologist, Judith Rich Harris, that parents have a lot less influence than we think. This unpopular conclusion generated backlash, but she actually had the science to back it up, with studies of personality showing genes consistently overpowering environment.
Parenting practices change by generations, but we are surely not a more evolved species due to these “better” parenting practices. Our children are not happier and better adjusted, or at least there’s not evidence to support that. In fact, rates of anxiety and other mental health diagnoses have increased steadily, for a variety of hotly debated reasons, which yes, include parenting practices.
That also leads to questions about how to think about qualifying parenting as “good” or “bad” when we look across cultures. In Japan, co-sleeping is an accepted practice; in the U.S., pediatricians have officially opposed it due to risks of death, specifically SIDS. But Japan’s rates of SIDS are half that of the United States. Hmmm. (I am not promoting any specific practice, I never co-slept because it meant I didn’t sleep, which was a non-starter.) Mayan parenting practices starkly contrast our protective American parenting, as Mayan children are apparently incredibly self-sufficient at a young age due to parenting practices our legal system would likely prosecute.
Other aspects of daily life experiences that differ between children – like racism, poverty, and poor education — have shown time and time again to affect outcomes for kids long-term. These environmental factors add chronic stress that contribute to negative biological and psychological effects, including evidence of generational trauma affecting genes. The interaction of environment and biology and psychology outside of our daily parenting practices can be profound.
But one of Harris’ simple explanations makes sense: what we do in the home matters for how kids behave IN THE HOME. They may be totally different at school, with their friends, or in the world at large. We could be executing the most flawless parenting skills at home (whatever that looks like), and our child’s inherited personality would still be more of an influence on how they interact with all these other parts of their lives.
Do We Have Any Control? What Instinct Tells Us
So, do we stop worrying and pour ourselves a generous glass of wine or fresh cup of coffee to finally relax about all this parenting stress?
Unlikely. First of all, evolution has hardwired our parent brains to worry about and protect our children, keeping them alive so our species stays alive. The problem has become we over-perceive threat in our modern ecology where basic biological needs for survival are met at a much higher rate than when our human brains were evolving hundreds of thousands of years ago. Changes in our modern world have outpaced evolutionary brain changes. However, I don’t think anyone would argue against the idea that our basic instincts to help and protect our children are generally important for their well-being.
Second, as important as I believe science is to help relieve some of our parenting emotional burden, research has its limitations (as evidenced by the assumption that studies of white college undergraduates reveal truths about all human behavior). In parenting research, not every experience or data point can be neatly measured and broken down into a number that fits a statistical equation. In fact, I would argue that most of parenting can’t be captured by science.
An exception might be the last 30 years or so of research on what has been labeled “autonomy-supportive parenting,” which I know quite well since it’s the topic of my first parenting book (coming soon). In fact, this parenting approach with all types of documented positive effects is usually contrasted against – you guessed it – controlling parenting.
Controlling versus Autonomy-Supportive Parenting
I will never forget the time my 2-year-old son responded to my question, “Who’s the boss here?” by peeing on the kitchen floor. Quite the apt metaphor for the innate struggles between parents and children to experience some sense of control. We leverage our authority to exert control over them; much of the time, they literally and figuratively pee all over it.
Releasing the illusion that we have a great degree of control over how our children turn out, can actually help us parent in a way that research suggests will help them reach adulthood with greater psychological health and well-being. That’s what we all want, right?
The heart of autonomy-supportive parenting is that we relate to our children and use strategies that nurture and develop their discovery of who they are as their authentic self. This happens when we do not try to control their behaviors and decisions, or pressure them to think/feel/act by our values instead of what they are figuring out as their values (first step: realize that these values might be different!).
This body of research on controlling and autonomy-supportive parenting also reinforces much of what feels like common sense, such as we will have more controlling days and more autonomy supportive days; our child’s behavior problems can elicit more controlling responses; when our children experience us as supporting their sense of agency and control over their own lives by making decisions more and more independently, they are healthier and happier.
If we feel less pressure about how much our parenting really matters, we might even act less controlling, which in turn increases the good kind of control in our child – confidence in their skills and a sense of mastery over their development of self.
The Final Word
Of course we matter and are making a difference — children without parents or whose parents inflict abuse and neglect suffer. As long as we stay connected, make our best efforts, and show up most days, we can let go of a lot that we might be losing sleep over right now. They will be fine, or they may not be fine, but it is both because of us AND more than us.
The danger of our modern parenting culture is that the worries and over-analysis can turn into a noisy traffic jam in our brains, paralyzing us and stressing us out. Hint: the more stressed we are, the more controlling we usually become.
How we promote calm and wellness in our parenting selves comes back to balance. How? Let go of what is likely unhelpful worries (eg, your 3-year-old who doesn’t want to potty train will eventually use the toilet), to better focus your energies. Selecting the right daycare? Yes, quite important. Modeling in the home behaviors we want to teach our children? Yes, it matters. Kids “out of control” during a Target outing? Let that one go.
Carrying our persistent child with clear preferences rather than getting into a power struggle about it? Slipping his shoes on his feet despite him being perfectly capable of doing so because we need to get to work or home more quickly? Turns out, mere years later at age 7, this child no longer requires us to carry him into classrooms and he puts on his shoes just fine. He may not be doing multiplication yet, but I’m not going to worry about it.