How to Keep the Love of the Game
As my 11-year-old anticipated her second season of competitive gymnastics last year, she practiced her beam routine in the kitchen. I asked how she felt about getting back to competition and she said she wasn’t as nervous as her first year. I posed the question, what did she think happened if competing became all about winning? She responded, “It’s not fun anymore and that’s when people quit.”
My son’s most recent soccer season sadly illustrated this truth. After a few seasons with coaches encouraging a positive and cooperative team culture focused on learning and enjoying soccer, he ended up on a different type of team. The coach gave the kids attention when they did well, sharing videos and praising their performance, and went radio silent when they lost. In their last game, as they gave up a goal right after scoring one, one of his teammates walked off the field proclaiming, “My team is terrible!” I overheard another teammate tell his mom that the star of the team (also the coach’s son) told him he was “too slow.”
This confirmed what I had suspected. As the season progressed, I could see the boys’ confidence plummet as they would pass to the “star” instead of taking their own shots. The so-called superstar did not return the favor when he had possession, and he often missed the goal while at least two kids were wide open and positioned to score with a good assist. This was not about teamwork. This was not about having fun. Not uncoincidentally, this team had the most losses of any team my son had been on.
As regular readers know by now, I have reluctantly participated in the competitive youth sports empire for about four years. Between watching my daughters accelerate through gymnastics levels and my son working toward his first travel soccer team, I have been vigilant about how my kids are responding to increasing pressure. One child already quit (with zero regrets). One seems to cherish challenge but can get wrapped up in self-criticism and unrealistic expectations. One has inconsistent excitement about going to practices and games. Through it all I keep asking, are they having fun?
The Main Ingredient
These past several years I have spent on the competition sidelines have brought to life some key takeaway points from the science of autonomy-supportive parenting when it comes to sports and activities. The science makes clear that the more a child perceives that their parents, coaches, teachers, and activity leaders support their autonomy in both their activity choice and engagement, the greater the child’s own motivation.
Let’s shout it from the rooftops: internal motivation is what often leads to better performance over the long run. And persistence. And joy.
How can we nurture internal motivation as vehicles for performance, skill growth, and staying with activities instead of quitting? How can we help preserve the love of the game? Or instrument. Or performing art.
The Path to Internal Motivation
Here are some autonomy-supportive tips to do our part to promote internal motivation and avoid the traps of external pressures that surround all of us:
Encourage choice. As children choose to try new activities, be mindful of your language and approach to them making choices. Use open-ended questions and curiosity about your child’s interests, focusing on what excites them instead of what excites you. Especially if your child is younger, encourage trying out a bunch of different activities.
Convey unconditional love and acceptance of your child regardless of their choices. Remember, what matters is how our children perceive our love and acceptance. Children tend to use magical thinking, like making their own conclusion that you want them to play a sport because you like it, so be explicit: “You don’t need to play hockey because I love hockey. I want you to choose what you enjoy.”
Be clear that your love does not depend on winning or earning trophies. Focus on how hard your child worked or how they handled a loss or disappointing performance. Refrain from talking about their scores, goals, medals, ranking, etc. This shift in focus relates to better outcomes than attending to winning or losing.
Support your child in building confidence and competence in their activity of choice by using autonomy-supportive strategies to encourage skills practice:
Frame the importance of practicing and showing up within values, such as work ethic, accountability to a team, and commitment to personal improvements.
Set up a system with your child around practice, if an activity requires independent practice (e.g., playing an instrument). They can help choose the best days of the week, their preferred time of day, and the best way of showing consistency (e.g., through a visual chart).
Expect independent behaviors, such as communicating problems or concerns to a coach or instructor (e.g., if they want to play more, don’t be “that” parent demanding more field time; encourage your child to ask the coach what they need to do to play more).
Establish rules around participation, such as signing up for a season signaling a commitment to finish that season even if they decide they do not want to continue the sport. Start by asking your child what they think reasonable participation rules and expectations are and then be clear and consistent if they forget along the way. (They will. When they do, maybe make a new visual chart or have them update their planner they likely haven’t touched!)
Keep an eye on balance. Some passionate kids may not recognize healthy limits of their time and energy, risking their physical and mental health. Even the gymnastics GOAT (Greatest Of All Time), Simone Biles, eventually had to enforce these limits, and your child may too.
At a neighborhood block party recently, a mom shared what a stressful experience trying out for the high school soccer team had been for her son. I was surprised, knowing he had made the Junior Varsity team as a freshman last year. She explained how the competition had escalated for Varsity this year and “everyone wants to play for this coach.”
I could feel my stomach clench as I desperately wanted to escape this reality. My brain couldn’t help but fast forward to my son (merely a fourth grader now) setting his sights on playing for this apparently famous coach and facing intense competition. I don’t want that pressure for him. I want him to enjoy soccer and reap the many benefits: an outlet for his endless energy, confidence, and feeling part of a team community. I want him to want to play for the love of the game.
New Parenting Book Alert! Raising Empowered Athletes: A Youth Sports Parenting Guide for Raising Happy, Brave, and Resilient Kids, Kirsten Jones
**You can pre-order my book Autonomy-Supportive Parenting: Reduce Parental Burnout and Raise Competent, Confident Children on Amazon and Bookshop.