Redefining Success
School is the part of parenting in which I struggle the most to not be controlling. I am a lifelong perfectionist and high achiever who loves school and always excelled. My kids complain about their math homework and I (not so helpfully) respond “algebra is so much fun!” I came into this world with an internal drive to learn and be the best student I could be. I read fluently at age three and was reading years ahead in kindergarten. After years of positive reinforcement for being a top student, in my teen years, I became laser-focused on grades, test scores, and rankings. I wasn’t much of an athlete, but academics was my sport.
Excelling at school and working hard to always be on top was an important part of my identity in which I took pride. As a parent, I’ve had to do a lot of work to accept that does not mean it’s true for my children.
If you’ve been following along, you know that parenting for autonomy means raising our child to be their true self, not who we want them to be. That includes a straight-A student. For me it takes conscious effort to rewire a lifetime of how I think about grades and academic performance. However, from everything I have read and experienced about achievement culture and our kids, it’s worth the effort.
Earning top scores and grades as the way to be successful becomes constricting and oppressive for many of our children, and feeds controlling parenting. Not to mention the pressure from kindergarten on to make sure our child is prepared to be competitive for a “worthy” college. I titled my book chapter about school, “Raising Real Success: From Grades to Grit” because the first step toward change in our unhealthy achievement culture is to tackle our mindset about school by redefining success.
No More “All A’s” Parenting
Parents think expecting good grades is a given of “good” parenting. And having high standards can be beneficial, as long as it doesn’t cross the line of a child feeling as if their academic performance defines how worthy they are to their parents. I realize this idea of letting go of the straight A’s expectation may feel blasphemous and contrary to the concept of being a caring, responsible parent. And again, it doesn’t mean you don’t hold up high standards for academic achievement, but it’s healthier for your child if these high standards focus on process (completing work, persisting at challenges) rather than outcome. And that you have a clear-eyed vision of your child’s strengths, which may or may not be in the academic arena.
Two key highlights from the science of academic achievement can help us all question the assumption that “good” parenting means expecting straight A’s:
Teens at high-achieving schools have 2-3 times the national average of anxiety, depression, substance abuse, and delinquent behaviors, qualifying them as an at-risk group as designated by the Center for Disease Control (CDC). In a conversation I had with Jennie Wallace about her book, Never Enough: When Achievement Culture Becomes Toxic–And What We Can Do About It, she pointed out that researchers estimate about 1 in 3 of our kids fall into this at-risk category. This is not a problem of the so-called one-percenters; it’s affecting a sizable proportion of our youth.
Autonomy-supportive parenting practices are linked to a range of positive outcomes in school: higher achievement, perceived competence and control in school-related tasks, increased engagement and effort, a more positive attitude toward school, better executive functioning, and higher school-related motivation. Notice that only one of these outcomes fits the traditional definition of success—higher achievement. The rest relate to the child’s learning process and internal experience with school.
Upcoming newsletters will get more concrete about how we can use autonomy-supportive approaches to optimize benefits of homework and boost internal motivation for school. But let’s get back to that first step of shifting our mindset, which is knotted up in how we define success.
Let Values Be Your Guide
Knowing our parenting values forms the foundation of using autonomy-supportive parenting by reminding us of the why.
Why do we want our kids to pick up after themselves? Respect and responsibility.
Why do we want our kids to have strong friendships? Empathy and community.
Why do we want our kids to do well in school? To be successful.
But what does “be successful” really mean? Excelling through school and earning admission to a top college is one way of demonstrating success. But if—as statistics suggest—that comes at the cost of a child’s mental and physical health, does that still meet the definition of success?
What other values could be associated with your child’s life as a student? Some examples include work ethic, determination, creativity, curiosity, diligence, growth, and responsibility. Along with these values, skills and traits can develop to serve a child for the rest of their lives regardless of their GPA, such as critical thinking, problem-solving, flexibility, self-efficacy, confidence when challenged, and a love of learning.
In my personal evolution from an academically neurotic teenager to a wiser parent wanting my children to have more balance, I can see so clearly now that focusing on college admissions seems way too narrow of a lens to view our child as succeeding in life. It’s only a drop in the bucket of a lifespan. What about the rest of their years?
My parenting values around success connect with what I hope for my children in the long-term. I hope they live a life rich with healthy relationships and a sense of belonging. I hope they sleep. I hope they always know they are worthy just as they are, not for what they do. I hope they find their own passions, whether that falls on the traditional academic path or not. I hope they move through the world with a strong inner compass, living by their own values.
Be The Change
Personally, whether my children attend an Ivy League institution does not drive my parenting. However, I do feel the pull of wanting them to have high grades and go to a reputable college. My personal work is to stay aware of the magnetism of this alluring version of success to keep me from becoming part of the pressure. In this current climate of hyper competition and toxic achievement, we can be our children’s place of refuge and support instead of another source of pressure. Even better, we can counteract cultural achievement pressures by using the autonomy-supportive mindset to nurture our child’s holistic sense of self—not just their school self.
It’s time for us to re-invent how we parent around school to raise children who know and accept who they are – no matter how they’re doing in the classroom. One family at a time, we can be the change.
Redefining success as encompassing more than test scores and an Ivy League admission can undoubtedly help us be more autonomy-supportive. But we must zoom our lenses in closely to what we are doing at home every day when we interact with our children around school and grades to make sure we are communicating this to our children through how we act, not just what we say. The next few blog posts will show how we can do just that.
**Autonomy-Supportive Parenting: Reduce Parental Burnout and Raise Competent, Confident Children is now available on Amazon and Bookshop and wherever books are sold!