It may seem counterintuitive to reduce pressure on grades, especially if we see our child as achieving below their capacity. The instinct to increase pressure makes sense. But we know from the science of motivation and autonomy-supportive parenting that the more pressure our kids experience, the worse for their wellbeing and academic performance. But reducing pressure does not mean discarding expectations for academic performance.

Since we’re not getting rid of long-used external motivators like grades and test scores anytime soon, we can start tipping the scales toward internal motivation at home with how we parent.

No matter our personal opinion about the utility of homework, our child will likely come home with some version of schoolwork at home, and we have to decide how to approach it. Some parents may simply email the teacher and state, “We’re not doing homework in this household.” For those of us either on the fence about the value of homework or pro-homework, approaching it within the autonomy-supportive framework can help us all thrive rather than barely survive.

Earning top scores and grades as the way to be successful becomes constricting and oppressive for many of our children, and feeds controlling parenting. Not to mention the pressure from kindergarten on to make sure our child is prepared to be competitive for a “worthy” college. I titled my book chapter about school, “Raising Real Success: From Grades to Grit” because the first step toward change in our unhealthy achievement culture is to tackle our mindset about school by redefining success. 

As parents, scientists, journalists, teachers, and just about everyone concerned with children and teens have been wringing collective hands about the alarming increase in mental health problems in youth, we should also collectively examine the role played by pressure and perfectionism–what we impose and what our culture imposes.

When we worry about our children and wonder if they need professional support, it is often hard to discern when to take the next step. When is a tantrum no longer a normal toddler outburst? When are problems falling asleep more than “just a phase?” What kind of pre-teen emotional explosions are par for the developmental course, and what may signify a deeper problem?

I see shadows of these same middle-schoolers and high-schoolers completely burned out by the time they get to college. It’s so clear from the vantage point of psychologist, that it keeps my high-achieving Mom impulses in check.